Random Stuff

Pain

This ones a long ride, but hear me out. Pain comes in many forms, correct. We have physical pain, mental pain, emotional pain, and many demographics of each, correct? And the thing about pain, well is that it is painful. But the thing is, some of us are gluttens for punishment, and others have pain needlessly inflicted Apon them. Some times we are in control of hurting others and even sometimes ourselves. But why, why would you ever want to hurt some one else. Well it's easier to explain than the latter so let's start there. I believe people who hurt others are so damaged themselves, that they need to tear someone down to their level so someone can understand how hurt they are. So they have someone who can relate to how much they hurt. But it's the wrong way to go about.  It truly is. If you hurt that much why would you ever inflict pain on some one else, why would you want to. Why does any one want to hurt anyone, even themselves. I want to look at something else while on the topic of pain. I want to look at self harm. And I want to say some things from my view. Everyone is different, everyone has different experiences, because they have all gone through different things. But from my point of view, with everything I've gone through. From the nightly beatings I never was able to stop, not even if I acted like I got knocked out or pissed myself, To having everything I owned thrown at me. Having everything I luv thrown away. Having my mother, the one person who was supposed to protect me, sit and watch a full grown man punch a ten year old me in the face, and then deny everything. Having my mother put substance before me and my siblings for years, forcing me to grow up to soon. From everything, unfortunately I've walked away with a few scars, not all of them visiable on the surface. I'll admit, I have a few issues that I have a hard time coping with, and they can be worse at times, and I'm eternally greatful for the people who help me out. But what exactly is it that they are helping me out with, sometime I don't even think they know. I have a very extreme struggle with harming myself. And it's not always obvious. Yes I've taken a few razors to my arms, and a few to my legs to. And it wasn't always a razor either, I'd gotten crafty a few times, one time it was meat scissors, and another it was a scrap from a high E guitar string. I've broken a few belts, and even downed quite a few pills. And one time I found the codes to my mums safe while she was stoned, and I grabbed her 9mm revolver, and pulled the trigger. I was eleven when I did that, and if she hadn't unloaded it the night before to clean it, I wouldn't be here right now. I guess the point is I have quite a bit of emotional baggage, and it gets overwhelming at times, and over the years physical pain has come and gone so often as apposed to emotional pain, so in my mind self harm was, and in some ways still is a coping method. But I can't ever give in, because on cut becomes two, become five, and all of a sudden both arms are streaming blood, and then your claves, all the way to you thighs. And nobody knows, well nobody knew. But that's not important. Back to the story. Even if you are in this dark pit, you can positively plateau every now and then. And I remember the first time I did. It was January of 2016, and everything changed, I met one of my best freinds, and from there started making more. And I even made a small circle of people I hung out with everyday, and helped however I could. That didn't last long. As a matter of fact I only talk to one of them anymore, with the others now content in tearing me down in her eyes. What a shame too, they seemed like nice people. But who am I to say other wise, I don't talk about people behind their backs. But after all of that I was alone execpt for three people. And the whole time ever thing was normal, I was fine, no self harm, and that lasted about three months. And then everything went to hell, and I fell back to some bad habits. And then she found out and I'll tell you what, she. Was. Pissed. And she had every right to be. Guess that's how I could tell she actually gave a fuck. But she the moved away, and we do infact still talk, every chance we get infact. And that's what matter out of all of that, that she is still there and still cares and I truly luv her for that. And then we move on to the February of next year. I had heavy problems with sleep deprivation and anorexia. And I received a text, I had not talked to anyone in three days or eaten in two, let alone sleep either. I received a text from someone I knew, but didn't quite know. And she asked what I was doing awake, and I asnwered that I hadn't yet slept. She later became my best friend, right alone side my other best friend. As for assholes who say you can only have one best freind, I say fuck you. But going back. I am very close to these two people, both one in a million, and I'm so lucky to have them in my life. They helped me to realize a lot of things, and one of those was no matter how much pain you are in, that nothing is worth hurting yourself over.  But in a way no matter what happened I kept spiraling downward, and hurting the two people I never wanted to hurt. I was getting craftier and more shall we say, discreet with my problem. And honestly it kinda still is an issue. There are nights I can't get these voices out of my head, telling me, just one cut, then another, just one more. Oh why not cut a little deeper. Honestly it's maddening, and at time I can't stand it. One night I got wasted to drown them out, another I bashed my head against a door frame to knock myself out, and another I took seventy pills.  Once they gain ground I can't get rid of them. And I'm honestly sick of it. I want issues like having someone else drink my apple juice. I want to drink from a sippy cup and have my biggest issue missing a birthday party or a play date. I really don't want the problems I have now. I don't want to uncertainty of what I'm eating for dinner, or if I'll have a home to lay my head at each night. It hurts so much, and I can't do anything about it. Usually you have a mother to help with this, but I'm kinda shit outta luck there(long story). In all honesty I just want to be normal, and I don't want anymore of this pain, which is why I want to end everything, and I've come so close. I've stared death in the face so many times, I've lost count. And lost the fear that comes with. So what keeps me grounded you may ask. Well, honestly that's for me to keep to myself, lest it lose its meaning. Maybe some of us get so used to pain, that it's our normal, chaos is our estacy. Pain is what we are used to, so we crave it. We crave our normal. And honestly after only just fifteen years, it's hard to change that, or all least it is for me. Just realized, even if we are broken, we do want to be happy. I know I do. And I want to repeat, that if I've learned anything, and want to to retain anything from this, it's that no matter how much you hurt. No matter what happens, that nothing in this world is or ever will be worth hurting yourself, let alone taking your life over. Because even if you can't see it, people luv you. And things will get better. I promise, you just have to wait it out. It may take time, hell it could take years. But it will come. I promise.