Random Stuff

We're "used" to it

I've noticed two small things that people say to me from time to time. With my anxiety i have a small tendency to be over apologetic, and every time its a sincere one. Some people say the more you apologize the less sincere you seems, and i can see that. But every time i say sorry, i truly mean it. When i bump into you in the hall and i say sorry, i mean it. When i tell a stupid joke and i say sorry, i mean it. Because in both cases i feel like I'm in the wrong. I feel like everything i do is wrong. And i am truly sorry about the many inconveniences i cause everyone. I don't think people really understand it. I have three quarters of my day alone, physically, and sometimes even mentally, and that's okay. People have their own lives to live, that's not where i'm going with this. Where i'm going with this is that i have usually around fifteen hours to mentally review every mistake I've made through out the day. To feel like a fuck up. I can find hundreds of things that i fuck up in a day, and i really am sorry about that. And then we get to the next day, the next week, the next month, and my apologizes pile up. And one time when i say sorry, the response for some people changes, instead of saying its okay, or you're fine. It changes to mockery, with fake sorries, or titters behind my back when i walk into class. When i walk into class late and say sorry for being late, and four or five people just mock me for it, that hurts okay. When you apologize and someone says, its fine, "We're used to it by now", it hurts okay. Because you've fucked up so many times that they just expect it anymore. That they just accepted the fact that hay, Anthony it going to fuck up at any given time now. We're used to it. It hurts because people seem to have accepted the fact that you are a fuck up at this point. I don't know anymore. I'm just sorry for all the small fuck ups through out my day, okay. I'm sorry for everything. I just want a day to come where everyone is like hay, he's getting better. A day they aren't used to. A day where i don't apologize five hundred times. I'm working so hard to give people a day like that, and one where it lasts. Because i really am working towards that. And i know its taking time, I'm sorry about that. Just know i'm working hard okay. i'm sorry its taking so long.