Random Stuff

Voices

For the past few months i have had an issue with voices in my head. It stared off manageable enough, just one unidentifiable voice rattling around up there telling me to do this, or telling me i don't matter. it was easy enough to shake off. most of the time, he was persistent and knew what buttons to press to break me down. and eventually he took hold and more started joining the party. and this was around the beginning off October that this problem started developing, and getting worse. it was around this time with more voices joining the fray that i could identify a few. My parents were up there, a few of my mother ex's. what would be expected. They were constantly tearing into me, despite not even being there. but i always found solace in two people. in their voices and memories. and for a few month i was fine. but then a few weeks ago, it was getting worse, with more and more people joining the fray, even the two that were helping me, were against me in my mind. and a few weeks ago they all started yelling at me. and they still are. and its wearing me down. with them always yelling. i cant stop them, and its so hard to focus, i can usually drown them out with music or a few peoples presence, but sometimes nothing works, and its only getting worse, and they are only getting louder. They're up there, telling me i don't matter. That no one wants me around. That no matter what i do, that no one cares. These voices for example, have taken some amazing things and ruined them for me. ill use an example. One of my best friends was recently in a drama club production, and they all did amazing. She did amazing, and i made her a very special bouquet. these voice screamed at me the entire time, that she didn't want me there, that she didn't want me around, that she was going to hate the bouquet i made her. And then later that night, the convinced me she hated them and me, and then started listing all the reasons my other best friend hadn't contacted me, and it brought me to tears, because i couldn't stop them. and then again, hell even this week, it broke me down in the middle of class. I had broken down and fell apart for two whole class period with them screaming at me. and they didn't stop, they barely let up. and even now they are still up there screaming at me, and i cant get them out of my fucking mind. And it wouldn't be half as bad if the two people i luv the most in my miserable existence were right up there, at the front line of my mind set, yelling right along with them.