*Another Trigger Warning. Tread Lightly, Loves*
~ These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real... ~
Chapter Thirty-Seven: Desperate
I missed Dad.
I missed Mom.
I missed Max.
There wasn't much to do as I laid there but cry and think about everyone. I wanted someone to hold me and let me cry, I wanted to let Max do what he'd been trying to let me do for weeks. I wanted to let go. But I wouldn't, couldn't do it for Lucas or Sophie, and Max and I hadn't even spoken, so I didn't know when he was even coming back, if at all...
How long had it been?
Eight, right? Eight days? I didn't know anymore. Everything all blurred and fuzzed together and I no longer could tell when was night and when was day. I slept and when I didn't sleep I stared at the wall or ceiling, always feeling the bottles of Tylenol I'd moved into my pillow case.
I felt alone. That was the most looming feeling to me. I was weak and tired and alone, and it hurt beyond anything I'd ever known... I was worried at this point I was far too gone to be saved.
My dreams were nightmares now. I was haunted at night by my fears and sorrows and everything was breaking me down... Hell, maybe I didn't even want to be saved.
I was slowly spilling into oblivion and it hurt. I needed something to ground me, keep me here, keep me from leaving. But the only person that could fix me didn't wanna be around me right now, and I couldn't blame him. I wished with all my heart he'd come back though, if nothing else than to just talk to me. At this point a call would even give me some sort of comfort.
What scared me the most was that for the first time since Mom died, I wasn't sure I wanted to live anymore.
* * * * *
"Simmy?"
I didn't look up.
"Symphony?"
I kept my gaze on the floor.
"Symphony Danielle Andrews!"
I cringed, involuntarily, at my whole name, shifting my sitting position. "I'm in the bathroom," I managed. There was a soft knock suddenly, and I sighed.
"You okay?" Lucas asked through the door, tentatively. I glanced down at fifty-four pills, sitting in a little pile in front of me as my mind screamed "NO! I'M NOWHERE NEAR OKAY!"
I bit down the urge to tell him that, setting my hand on my chest, as if to keep myself together. "Yeah," I told him instead. "Just don't feel real great."
He was silent for a moment, before speaking again. "Do you need something?"
I resisted the urge to say 'my boyfriend' and instead sighed. "No," I said. "Thank you."
I watched the pills quietly, cocking my head lightly. "Okay," he said. Before I could stop myself, my mouth formed another small statement.
"I love you, Lucas."
There was a long, stretch of silence, before I sensed his body shift towards the door again. "I love you too, sweetie," he said.
I heard him slowly walk away from the door, making me sigh with relief, tilting my head back against the wall. I wanted peace, more than I'd ever wanted anything in the world.
My phone sat beside me. Every few minutes I'd unlock it, stare at the phone icon for a moment, before shaking my head and locking it again. If I was gonna do this, I had to at least hear Max's voice once more. I just couldn't get up the courage to call him, afraid he'd know something was wrong.
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The Usual... A Max Schneider Fan Fiction
FanfictionSymphony Andrews leads a relatively quiet life... She co-owns a small yet popular coffee shop with her dad, where she's a big hit with the customers, and at the end of the day, she goes home to her little apartment and spends the evenings with her c...