Cover
I can understand where the inspiration of the cover came from but I felt as if it was too black and white. I'm not saying that black and white don't go together but try to put them in a way that the two colours will blend together.
Cover 2/10
Summary
I really liked the rhetorical question at the end of the summary but also felt that the beginning was just too normal.
If I was to choose between stories about girl assassins based on their summary, yours would probably be the same as others. Even in a summary, description is a very important thing.
Don't just say that after a small group of rebels killed someone Mila loved she set out to avenge his death. Put more description by saying something like after Mila's life is almost torn apart by the death of a loved one at the hands of rebels, the only thing keeping it together is the thought of avenging his death.
It's a summary of the exact same thing but different wording.
Summary 4/10
Plot
The plot wasn't exactly one that stood out but just because a plot has been overused doesn't mean the plot instantly becomes horrible.
I liked the whole idea of the States versus the Republic but I still felt as if you made your story with the assumption that your readers knew the political hierarchy of whatever world you had created. You didn't explain it's history or anything so I wasn't pulled into the story.
Also, the chapters weren't really flowing. It felt as if each chapter had its own plot completely separate of the previous ones. Remember, the chapters should all be connected. One event flowing effortlessly into the next.
Plot 3/10
Descriptions
Descriptions of places
Descriptions were greatly lacking in the story. I couldn't tell how anything looked. Try to add more of this descriptions so that readers can create images of the places in their mind.
Descriptions of places 2/10
Descriptions of events
The only significant event I read so far was the jewellery robbery done by Will. I find it to have been poorly done. There was no description of the jewellery shop, the time of the robbery and even the reason why they stole it. Underground organisations don't exactly do petty robbery to get money.
I felt as if the robbery was just your easy way out for manufacturing the meeting of Sam and Will.
Descriptions of events 2/10
Descriptions of things / people
This is also another part that was not done very nicely. There were some parts you described people but it was just short and seemed like a by the way. Try to draw a better picture of the characters.
Descriptions of things / people 2/10
Conveying of character's emotions and thoughts
In the first chapter this was actually properly done. I could tell her thoughts and emotions. After that, it felt as if you were more focused on doing small descriptions than giving out the emotions and thoughts. When Mila received news of Sam's death her reaction wasn't described such that we could experience the same emotions she was.
Conveying of character's emotions and thoughts 2/10
Grammar, Punctuation and Spelling
The most significant problem I saw was the switching of tenses. When you rewrite in present tense, one should make sure not to confuse it with past tense.
For punctuation, you tended to use an apostrophe for dialogue instead of using speech marks. It really did a number on the appeal of your chapters. Speech marks are better because they make dialogue easier to differentiate from normal text.
Grammar, Punctuation and Spelling 4/10
Dialogue
I felt as if you mixed up the dialogue too much. In the first chapter there were paragraphs with descriptions, thoughts and dialogue all shoved into them. Such paragraphs tend to be too long and end up being a headache to read.
Each dialogue should be in its own paragraph, separate from thoughts but with its own descriptions.
Dialogue 3/10
Characters
No offense, but my first opinion of Mila was that she was too arrogant for a main character. Unless you're planning to double down the ignorance as her character develops then I suggest you change that. She seemed so proud and everything. Humility is actually a very important trait in a character.
Most of the loved characters in stories didn't start out as people who could single handedly save the world like: Percy from Percy Jackson, Katniss from Hunger Games, Harry Potter well from Harry Potter and even Superman was humble. Most people don't like proud and arrogant characters.
Characters 4/10
Total Score: 28/100
You wanted me to focus on plot and writing
I've already talked about your plot and as for the writing I felt as if you were trying to change it over the chapters because the way you wrote the first chapter wasn't the same way you wrote the fourth chapter. Don't rich yourself as you try to find the best way of writing. Take your time to figure out your style.
Thanks for asking for a review q-aasiya
