The cover was nice but the awards stickers didn't really match the background. You might want to consider removing them.
Cover 6/10
Summary
The summary was actually nice and short, perfect for a mystery story. I have no complaints there.
Summary 9/10
Plot
This is where there was a huge problem in the story. The story had a lot of plot holes and I had just read up to the fifth chapter.
Where were Maia's parents when Zane and Jasmine were attacked? Who exactly was Lyle to her? I didn't know if they were together or just close friends. Where were the police the first time Zane got attacked?
The plot also seemed too rushed. I felt as if there too many things already happening by the fifth chapter. Zane got attacked, Jasmine got attacked, someone got into her house, her mom was killed. I felt as if it was too much for a mystery story and it actually ruined the suspense. Try to create build-up for events.
Plot 3/10
Descriptions
Place Descriptions.
Let's remember when Maia found Zane tied up and bleeding to death. You did a description of Zane but forgot about his room which was an important thing. Zane couldn't have been covered in blood and his room remained spotless.
Was the furniture toppled? We're the Windows broken? Did his bed have blood splattered on it? Was exactly was Zane tied up to?
These are the questions you failed to answer.
Place Descriptions 2/10
Descriptions of events
I felt as if your descriptions of events was off. There was some realism missing in your descriptions. After Maia fainted when she found her mum's body her reaction didn't really appeal to the story. All she seemed to care about was talking to Ralph even before going to her brother or sister.
Such reactions makes a character's emotions feel disconnected to the story and ruins the whole description.
Descriptions of events 3/10
Descriptions of things / people
I like the description of Zane that you did when Maia found him. I still felt that it was just too to the point.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
That was your description but it would have been better if it was something like this.
His favourite blue shirt was now torn and splattered with blood. His usual bright blue eyes were now bruised and almost lifeless. I choked back a sob as I saw his arms that had glass pieces jabbed into his arms.
I'm not that good at descriptions of such things but I hope I've tried to do something. Try to put her emotions into the descriptions and you can also compare how he usually looked to the way he looked then.
Descriptions of things / people 4/10
Conveying of character's emotions and thoughts.
I felt as if you were trying to do this but it didn't come out quite well. Your character wasn't relatable because you just told us how she was feeling and didn't show us.
Try to get out of the habit of just saying what Maia was feeling and instead use her actions to speak.
Conveying of character's emotions and thoughts 4/10
Grammar, Punctuation and Spelling
The first time I read the book I didn't notice any mistakes but as I went through the book again I started noticing some mistakes.
At some points you used exclamation marks in the place of question marks. Sentences started with conjunctions and breaking apart sentences that were to be together.
Grammatical errors were the most and I decided that would read through the first chapters and I point them out.
Grammar, Punctuation and Spelling 3/10
Dialogue
In your dialogue I saw a lot of she said, he asked, they whispered, I shouted and a lot of I said quietly, I mumbled awkwadly but I didn't see a lot of he said smiling, she whispered frowning, I mumbled grimacing.
Don't forget those verbs that help show actions but it wasn't so bad.
Dialogue 6/10
Characters
The first thing I thought about your characters? Too many too fast.
They were so many names to learn by the first chapter. I didn't even realise Lyle was there until the end of the second chapter. Try to ease your characters into the story slowly by slowly or you'll end up with seriously confused readers.
Characters 4/10
Total Score: 44
Your question was:
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
I've already gone through grammar and spelling and told you I'll go through the story and point them out but remind me because I'm highly forgetful.
I can't comment on character development since I only read up to the fifth chapter but I have to advice you to develop your character as the mystery continues. Make them more alert and stronger emotionally. Develop her relationship with her friends.
For overall engagement I would say that for a mystery / thriller it wasn't engaging. The suspense was diluted by the plot holes and numerous events happening at the same time. The plot was also too fast for a mystery story which requires a lot of background and build-up of events.
