Cover
The cover was really well done. The background picture reminds me of the times I've spent looking outside a coffee shop's window. Those days when the waitresses are glaring at you because you've only ordered one cup of coffee yet you've stayed there for two hours because of WiFi. Anyway, my point is that it's a great cover.
Cover 9/10
Summary
The summary was okay but I felt as if you were overselling your character and explaining yourself to the readers.
You said she was beautiful but nice. Her friends were afraid she would steal their boyfriends but she would never do that.
It felt as if you were really trying to make her liked just by the summary alone yet a simple and short explanation would have done it. I know how it's important for readers to love your character but also remember that if you love the character you don't have to try so hard for others to like than too.
Summary 3/10
Plot
The plot was cliche which is perfectly fine but the execution was the problem.
The first thing to notice was the plot holes. How could Brandi be in the same school as Chase and if he was so hot how come she hadn't noticed it before?
I also felt as if the story was too rushed Brandi was already growing defensive over Chase yet they had only known each other for the day. They said I love you way too fast and also Brandi's mum also killed herself too fast into the story. Try to develop the story more.
I also felt as if you abandoned the other aspects of Brandi's life. You didn't give background on her family or even her school life. You didn't even describe the background of her friends. Add these details to strengthen your plot.
The plot wasn't also very realistic. Brandi and Chase were already in love writhing five days of knowing each other. I'm all for love at first sight but they didn't even know anything about each other.
Plot 2/10
Descriptions
Descriptions of places
I like how you tried to use an image to describe her house but I felt as if after that you didn't focus on it much. You didn't describe her room or even the coffee shop which is a really big part of the story.
Descriptions of places 2/10
Descriptions of events
The major event in the story so far I would guess was the meeting between Brandi and Chase. You didn't really give a clear description of Chase and the reason why Brandi who frequented the coffee shop had never seen him before.
I also noticed another problem. I know how important it is to give details to small thing but you don't have to describe everything. You described Brandi's whole dressing up routine which might just be unnecessary.
Focus more on the main descriptions than on small things that aren't quite as important.
Descriptions of events 2/10
Descriptions of things/people
I felt as if you tried to do a description of the character's in the first chapter but it didn't really do much to draw an image in the reader's mind. Also, in the first chapter Brandi described herself as pretty but then she later said in the same chapter that she hated how she looked. Such descriptions make you contradict yourself so try to avoid them.
Descriptions of things/people 3/10
Conveying of character's emotions and thoughts
You tried a bit here but I still felt as if you did a lot of telling and not much showing. Try to convey Brandi's emotions more through her actions rather than just telling us.
Conveying character's emotions and thoughts 4/10
Grammar, Punctuation and Spelling
The first problem I noticed was mixing up of tenses. You mixed up the present and past tense as you wrote your story.
As the story progressed more errors could be noticed such as writing i'm instead of I'm. Try to correct that.
There were also times that you wrote coffee starting with a capital c even though it wasn't at the beginning of a sentence.
The next thing I noticed was the use a lot of numbers in descriptions. When writing them don't use the figures unless it's in text or dialogue because it can break the flow of the story.
There were some other errors that an editor can help with.
Grammar, Punctuation and Spelling 2/10
Characters
I felt as if the only characters you focused on was Brandi and Chase. I know that they're the main characters but you can't abandon the other characters.
Brandi's mum for one thing lacked a background. I could exactly understand why she killed herself. I felt as if you just rushed the story to get her out of the picture. Most authors don't pay much attention to the parents even though they're a big part of a character's life.
Brandi's friends were also sidelined because I didn't really know anything about their family or when they became friends.
Chase also wasn't explained nicely. Brandi was already calling him her true love yet she didn't even know where she was from. He was driving a Lamborghini yet still worked in a coffee shop. I'm not saying rich people can't work but try to say more about his background.
The introduction of Cassidy was what really ruined the story for me. I know that jealousy can be a terrible thing but a psychotic ex-girlfriend is too overused. Try to add more creativity to her character other than her just being the girl who used to date Chase and automatically hates Brandi.
Brandi's self image is also questionable. In the summary she was said to be very pretty and she even described herself as being pretty but she also calls herself ugly. It's confusing and makes Brandi seem vain which can make your readers not relate with her.
Characters 2/10
Total Score: 29/100
You told me to focus on story, plot and characters.
I think I've done characters and plot extensively. As for your story, I would recommend to try and make it more creative. Don't just make it to be one of those teen fiction stories that have rushed and unrealistic plots.
Also, please remove the narrator pov. It breaks the flow of the story and gives details that Brandi could describe herself.
Thanks for requesting a review voguelush
