Cover
I enjoyed your bright cover and all. It was well done.
Cover 8/10
Summary
The summary had too many errors for my liking. In the extract alone, I could find at least three problems with the story: lack of commas in dialogue, mixing up of tenses, use of a question mark and exclamation point at the same place. Don't make errors in the summary, it throws readers off.
The rest of the summary didn't create suspense in the story. It just told simple facts about the characters.
Summary 2/10
Plot
The plot was a little cliche but I enjoy a good cliche here and there so that not a problem.
The thing I noticed first were the plot holes in the story. In the first chapter, the first line you said the MC was moving from Brazil to London. The problem was, they managed to travel that whole distance in a car. Brazil and London aren't in the same continent and are separated by a very large ocean. Make sure you pay attention to the small details.
Next, was her birthday. It just seemed out of place in the story. Also, the principal gave her the keys to her locker on the second day of school so I don't know what she was doing on the first.
Try to build up your plot so as not to have so many plot holes.
The next problem was the pacing of the plot. It's going too fast. The first day of school the principal had already asked her to be in a play and be the princess. This was a shy girl so why did she agree? Anyway, as soon as you mentioned the play it didn't exactly take long to figure out who would play the prince. It was going too fast.
The plot needed a lot more creativity. Remember, cliches aren't a bad thing if they're executed with creativity. Try to make your story different from the rest of the shy girl/player guy stories.
Another problem with the plot was how it was flowing. I didn't feel as if it was flowing smoothly. They were travelling then she was in school and then it was her birthday. Try to make it flow smoothly.
Plot 2/10
Descriptions
Descriptions of places
I saw you trying to put in some place descriptions like the time you talked about their new house but it wasn't enough. You just brushed past them so you didn't manage to draw a clear image in the reader's mind of the place you were describing.
Descriptions of places 2/10
Descriptions of events
I also felt as if you brushed over the events. Her meeting with the mysterious boy, going to her mum's grave and even travelling to London. It felt too rushed and without emotions being conveyed.
Descriptions of events 2/10
Descriptions of things/people
I'll use the example of her meeting with Casey. All she said about her was that she wore a short skirt and yellow top. Later on, when they sat together at the cafeteria you still didn't give anymore information about Casey like what she liked or didn't or even her background.
Descriptions of things/people 2/10
Conveying of character's emotions and thoughts
I could see you trying to do this in the story but it felt more like telling us than showing. When you described her looks you said you thought she looked imperfect because she simply lacked confidence. Don't just tell the readers the character's emotions but also show them.
Conveying of character's emotions and thoughts 3/10
Grammar, Punctuation and Spelling
The first mistake I noticed is a personal per peeve, using a question mark and exclamation point at the same place. Author's writing ?!? just annoys me because how exactly do you read a sentence with that at the end?
The second problem was the overuse of ellipsis. This punctuation (...) is very special and shouldn't be overused.
The exclamation marks were also overused. Trying to read a story with too many exclamation marks can give one a headache.
There was also a lot of mixing of tenses in the story. At some point, you were using present tense but in some parts you used past tense. This is a very significant mistake that breaks the flow of the story.
In descriptions, you used numbers instead of writing down the words. Try to use words because numbers can break the flow of the story.
There was also the use of a full stop in dialogue instead of a comma. You should try and use a comma.
Grammar, Punctuation and Spelling 2/10
Dialogue
The first thing I couldn't figure out was why your dialogue was in italics. Dialogue should be in the same format as normal descriptions because the contrast can make them hard to read.
The other problem was with the words that usually come after the dialogue. They are very important and help to know who is speaking. Don't just leave them out.
Dialogue 2/10
Characters
I felt as if I didn't know anything about your characters. You didn't give any background or show what they liked or what they didn't like. You should try building up your characters even more.
Characters 2/10
Total Score: 27/100
You asked about the sense of your story.
I felt your story was cliche which wasn't a bad thing but it needs a lot of creativity and work put into it before it reaches its potential.
Thank you for requesting a review @loaneee
