Forever and Always

A Life Worth Living?

She paced up and down the living room. Oscar would be home from work any minute and she could hardly contain her excitement and nerves. Today, while she was at work she had received a call from the clinic about the results of her blood test, that would tell her if she was pregnant or not. She shivered at the thought of a blood test and rubbed the insides of her elbows and her wrists subconsciously. Her blood phobia seemed to have got worse recently, with all the needles she had been using and all the blood tests she had to have. She hoped that being a mum would curb her phobia, she couldn't imagine the shame of not being able to deal with her child when they hurt themselves. She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't hear him come in, and when he came through the doorway to the living room, where she was waiting, she jumped in fright. 'Sorry' he said and she waved her hand at him dismissively without a word, she picked up her phone, called the number and placed it on the glass table. He took her in her arms as they sat on the sofa: 'Hi this is Amanda from the clinic, with a message for Cecelia. I have the results of your blood test. I'm afraid it's a negative'. He cringed at the word negative and looked down at her gingerly, and he couldn't read her expression. It was a mixture of sadness, emptiness and disappointment. She sank into him and hugged her knees to her chest, 'I really thought it would work Ces' he whispered in the deafening silence of the room gently stroking her hair. She still hadn't said a word. 'Are you okay?' She looked up at him with her eyes filled with tears and he noticed how small she looked, sitting there in a bundle in his lap, like a frightened puppy. She couldn't vocalise how she felt, it was impossible to describe at that moment because it just overwhelmed her so suddenly. The world may well have come crashing down around her and she wouldn't have noticed. She could feel herself being crushed from the inside and she wondered if it was worth living anymore.

They were both hurting from the news but he was so optimistic about it, telling her that they could always try again. 'Why doesn't he feel like this?' She thought to herself during her second sleepless night, she tossed and turned but no position was comfortable enough. She watched him sleeping soundly beside her and she envied him. She wondered if she was over reacting to the situation or if she was struggling for a reason. She knew someone who could help her and so, she picked up her phone and dialled Hillary's number. 'Hello?' She answered sleepily 'Hillary it's Ces' she said 'are you alright?' Cecelia turned to the clock, it was 3am 'I didn't mean to wake you up Hillary I'm so sorry' she said and put the phone down. Moments later it rang again, it's shrill ringing breaking through the silence of the night, she answered it. 'It doesn't matter what time it is Cecelia, you must want me for something or you wouldn't have rung' she sighed, Hillary could see right through her 'I just wondered...' She paused wondered if her question would offend her 'if you've ever felt like there's nothing left' Hillary was silent on the end of the line 'I don't know what is left for me now' she said quietly. 'Now listen' Hillary said supportively 'you have plenty to live for. Think of how Oscar would feel if you left him? What if you're meant to have a baby one day?' She broke down 'if I'm supposed to have a baby, why can't I have one now Hillary?' Hillary took a deep breath 'maybe now is not the right time'.

Months passed since they got their first negative and she sat at the kitchen table, tapping a pen on her temple, thinking of how they could possibly afford another round of the expensive treatment. 'How are we going to do it?' She sighed as he flicked the kettle switch, they sat thinking in silence as the kettle boiled aggressively. He got up to pour the water from the rumbling volcano 'we could use some of our savings?' He suggested. She nodded and wrote 'savings' on her list, 'what else did you come up with?' She picked the list up and showed him the single item: 'savings'. 'We'll think of other things' she said, dismissively pushing the notepad to one side and getting up from the table. She picked up her phone and dropped it in her bag, 'I won't be long' she said kissing him goodbye and pulling her keys from her jacket pocket, she was meeting Hayley for lunch. She walked into the pub and saw Hayley sitting at a table tucked away in the corner in its own booth. 'This seat taken?' She said sliding into the booth opposite her best friend, 'it is now' she laughed 'how have you been lately?' She took her friend's hands and rubbed them together 'you're so cold!' Cecelia nodded 'it's pretty nippy out there' she agreed tugging playfully on Hayley's scarf. They ordered their lunch and had a deep conversation about old school friends and they were in fits of laughter when the waiter brought their food over. 'Do you want a drink Ces?' Hayley asked as the waiter put the plates on the table 'yes please. Hmm, could I just have some water?' The waiter nodded and went to get it for her, 'you're so boring!' Hayley said taking a sip of her wine, 'I can't really drink. It might be affecting the results and I want a baby so much' she said trailing off as the waiter came back. She smiled at him 'thank you' and Hayley seemed confused by her strong desire for children. 'When am I going to get my maternal instincts?' She said pretending to scratch her head, 'I think you either have it or you don't Hay' she said 'yeah I've never really been the kiddie type'.