Forever and Always

The Return of The Black Dog

They were awaiting the results of their second round of IVF. She had to have a blood test and she hated it, but she had convinced herself it was all going to be worth it in the end.

It was a Saturday afternoon when her phone rang, scaring them both half to death. 'You have to change that bloody ringtone' he said with a chuckle as she jumped for the phone. She put it on loudspeaker so they could both hear: 'Hi it's Amanda for Cecelia. We've got the results from your blood test. I'm so sorry but it's another negative'. He looked over to her but she was completely blank, she stood up silently, went out the front door and sat on the wall, watching the cars zoom past. He put his arms around her from behind and tried his best to comfort her bit it wasn't working anymore. They had their first big argument that day.

'I don't know what to say Ces, I'm sorry. We'll get there I promise'

'When?' She snapped 'when are we going to get there Oscar? I can't see it ever happening' she walked into the kitchen and he followed her 'take it easy. I know you're upset' she whirled around and stared him in the face (which was difficult as she was shorter than him) 'upset?' She seethed 'this is not upset. This is so far over, that upset would be fucking great right now'. He was shocked that she could be like this, he had never seen her this angry before, she was almost crazy with rage. 'You don't understand' she said quietly 'I don't understand?' He laughed mockingly, his anger rising by the second 'you're not the only one hurting Cecelia. I lost a baby too' 'I know Oscar but you can cope with it. I can't. You're amazing, you can be back to normal so quickly but I just can't do that. You're an optimist and I'm not' 'then you have to learn' he said 'bad situation' he sang the cut song from her favourite musical 'make the most of a bad situation' she put her finger on his lips to hush him. They apologised and made up. Then they started on dinner, that day, that dinner time was when the problems began to escalate.

She stood in the kitchen washing up when he had gone upstairs to wash his hair. 'Ow' she exclaimed and pulled her hand out of the washing up bowl to find a cut on her arm. She pulled out a sharp knife and tutted, shaking her head; Oscar always put knives in the washing up bowl even though she always told him not to. She went to get a plaster but stopped on the way, examining the tiny cut. She felt strange, almost satisfied and had an urge to do it again. She put the knife on the side once it was dry and she continued to wash up, her attention was constantly drawn to it and in the end she decided that one more wouldn't hurt. She put the blade on her skin and slid it gently, too scared to apply any pressure. It was a sharp knife and it cut anyway, and she began to shake as she saw the blood seeping out. She turned to pull a chair out to sit down but she caught sight of the blood and fainted clean away for the first time in years. Oscar heard a thump from upstairs and came downstairs, rubbing his hair with a towel, he saw her on the floor with the knife spinning slowly around beside her, a kitchen chair on its side by her head, her outstretched hand reaching for the bars on the back of the chair. He had experienced her fainting before and knew exactly what to do. She woke up a few minutes later to find her arm bandaged up, 'did you cut yourself in the washing up bowl?' He asked, she nodded and he sheepishly put the knife in the drawer. 'What have I told you about doing that, you pain?' She said weakly and tried to get up 'I'll finish the washing up' he said quickly, full of guilt. She sat and thought about what she had done, she knew about self harm but she felt a little better after doing it. Her cutting became more frequent until she was covered in tiny nicks all up and down her arms. She wore a lot more long sleeved tops to hide her shame. 'A lot of people cut' she told herself 'it's normal. Everyone has down days'. Little did she known that her depression was starting to get out of control.

On Fridays, she went out to meet Hillary for coffee during her lunch break and today was no exception. Oscar was taking her to the theatre that evening so they could have a nice night out together. Cecelia stretched out to give the money to the cashier and Hillary caught sight of lines on her arm, 'what's this?' She said quietly, pulling her sleeve up a little more. Cecelia pulled her arm away to avoid causing a scene, pulling her sleeve down and holding it in the palm of her hand. They sat down in a corner at their usual table and Hillary immediately questioned her about it. 'Has your depression got any worse?' Cecelia shrugged and held her head in her hands, 'this could be causing your problems' she said quietly, Cecelia raised her head and looked at her with interest, 'think about it. Maybe your depression is getting worse because you're both stressing so much over having a baby. Every disappointment is making it worse. It's a vicious cycle Ces, try and get yourself out'. She had recently been prescribed Prozac tablets to try and help her cope with her depression; it had become much more severe after the unsuccessful IVF treatments. Hillary struggled to keep up with her as she stormed down the road 'everyone else can have a baby. People have kids who don't deserve them' she seethed throwing her hands up in a questioning gesture 'there are people who beat their kids to death. Starve them, lock them up and torture them. They can have a baby but we cant? How is that fair?' Hillary took her hand and sat her down on the bench they were about to pass, 'take it easy' she said looking in her eyes 'I know there are bad people in the world Ces and I don't know why they're allowed kids and you and Oscar aren't. I know its hurting you but you have to try and cope with it. One day, you'll look back to these times when you have a family of your own and you'll know it was worth the wait'.