Forever and Always

A Great Loss

She woke up that morning in the hospital, with Oscar, Hillary and Angela by her side. She looked around and her gaze went straight to Oscar and she knew, without him having to say anything, what had happened. His eyes were watery and red, he stood over her and bent down to comfort her as the reality of the situation really dawned on her. She sobbed into his shirt and clung to him, as she felt her heart ripped apart with grief. She could feel him crying too and she was completely broken when she realised that she would never get to meet her baby. Oscar had taken the day off work to be with her and he didn't leave her side for the whole day, luckily she was able to go home that afternoon so they didn't have to stay for long. He watched her go up the stairs when they returned home and thought it might be better to leave her to be alone for a while. He made her a drink and then went upstairs to see her, slowly pushing the bedroom door open, but she wasn't there. He went back down the hallway and stopped outside the nursery, the door was slightly ajar, he gently pushed the door open to see her sitting in the big wooden framed armchair, holding a teddy bear to her chest and staring vacantly at the walls. He knelt down and looked into her eyes; the sparkle he loved so much had gone and she seemed to have faded away a little. She had trouble coming to terms with her miscarriage and he took a week off work so that he could be with her so that she didn't feel completely alone, he was going to do some work from home so that he was there to support her.

She spent a lot of time in the nursery just thinking about what she was going to do. Everything she had ever wanted had been stolen from her; like a cruel joke; a bully in the playground. They sat in there together one day and she confided her feelings in him 'I can't shake the guilt' she said sadly 'I feel like I'm carrying the world on my shoulders. It's too much. I can't do this again' he cupped her face in his hands 'don't you want a family?' 'Of course' 'then we have to keep trying' he whispered into her hair, 'just because it didn't go right this time doesn't mean it won't ever go right'.

She had an appointment with a counsellor the day before she was due to go back to work, and she was very nervous to talk about it. She was just starting to accept the fact and she was worried that by talking about it, her feeling could escape again and make her feel weak. She was going alone as she didn't want Oscar to take more time off, she didn't need the guilt of Oscar losing his job to add to her already generous supply. She was introduced to an older lady called Sabrina, who took Cecelia to her room. She looked around and saw some lovely paintings on the wall 'Matisse' she commented 'yes, they're very interesting aren't they?' Sabrina replied. The air hissed out from the cracked sides of the chair as Sabrina positioned her large behind on the well-used leather; she motioned for Cecelia to sit opposite her in an equally air-filled armchair.

Her talk with Sabrina had given her little help or support, and so she called Hillary while she was waiting in the reception. 'Hello?'

'Hi Hillary, it's me'

'Hi Ces, how are you today sweetheart?'

She sniffed and pulled herself together 'I'm fine' her voice broke a little at the end of the sentence as she started to cry. 'Where are you sweetie? I'll come and get you' she told her where the counselling place was and they hung up. She turned down the opportunity from the receptionist to have another session and went to stand outside. She wrapped her arms around her torso as the wind whipped her face and her hair flew wildly all around her head. Hillary pulled up moments later and she climbed into the car before completely breaking down. Hillary did her best to comfort her as she drove back to her house, and the cup of coffee seemed to help a little as they sat down in the living room. Hillary held Cecelia and explained that it wasn't her fault, 'maybe it wasn't meant to be? Maybe something else will happen to you and you'll think, well this would have been hard to handle if I'd had the baby' Cecelia nodded 'I know you feel guilty Ces but it gets easier, I promise. I had a miscarriage too, you know' 'really?' Cecelia asked wiping the hot tears from her face 'yep. I felt like I would die from the pain. It is the worst heartache I have ever felt. It's like someone has cut your heart out and put little stinging cuts in it so you feel the pain deep in your heart every time it beats' Cecelia nodded 'that's it. That's exactly how I feel' she sat up a little straighter, as she felt some weight being lifted from her shoulders. 'You can try again Ces, you're both so young. You've got plenty of time'. Hillary drove her home and she felt so much lighter as she got out a lovely box and put the few ultrasound scan pictures inside and wrote a short letter to the baby she would never meet. She put the bear she had held on the day she first came home in there too and she felt so much better. Hillary had shed light on it in a way no one else had been brave enough to and she was so grateful for it. When Oscar added his own letter and pictures to the box, they took a deep breath together and vowed to try and move on.