Lights like Stars [BoyxBoy]

Chapter 5

It was Homecoming week. I was with Garrett and Cassie representing the band at a gala. We were smiling and waving, in full uniform, sweating because it was hotter inside the alumni center than it was out. The student leaders were the only band members there and during our fight song I got to step forward and perform mace work while Cassie and Garrett conducted. They applauded me, cheering me on. Like I said, I was good. After the event we went to the hall of music and changed out of our uniforms. As we put our maces away Garrett told me I did a great job performing.

"Thanks," I mumbled. I started to leave.

"Alex."

I stopped. "What?"

"I'm sorry."

I looked at him. "What for?"

"I was being a jerk." He really wasn't though. "I said it wasn't a big deal but that's not good to say. That's gaslighting."

"What's gaslighting?" I asked.

"It's when I like...undermine your thoughts and feelings. Like if you were to say 'this hurts me' then gaslighting would be me saying 'it's all in your head' or something like that, like it's me saying you shouldn't feel the things you feel because they're wrong and you're wrong." He tilted his head, his eyes big and shining. Lights like stars. He was a light. He was a star. "So, I'm sorry. I know it's something sensitive to you and it is a big deal to you, which is fine and understandable. So...sorry."

When I said I was sorry to him I didn't mean it. Here he was acting like he slapped me but in reality I started to regret my reaction. It felt like an overreaction because I knew Cassie and Garrett wouldn't tell anyone. "It's okay," I said.

"I don't...like, plan on ever outing you or anything Alex," he said. "I know it's not easy for you. I really wish it was though."

"Why?" I asked, shrugging. "What do you care?"

He walked closer to me, pulling the drawstrings of his bag. "I mean, you were kind of my best friend at one point you know? I still remember the things you told me, like about your dad. I remember when you cried, and how ashamed you were. I remember seeing you in the bathroom in Colombia. I thought you were dead."

I couldn't look at him. Instead I stared at the faint, white scars on his wrist. My fingers traced them gently. "I don't want you to care about me Garrett," I said, almost whispering.

"Well, if it helps, I care about everyone."

He was smiling when I looked back at him. "Garrett...I don't know what I want. I just know I don't want to be...anything more than just...your colleague."

His smile was gone. "Why? What's wrong with just being my friend?"

I shook my head. "I don't want to be your friend. I just want to have sex with you." When he didn't say anything I said, "For now." It was false hope but again, it was the power I had over him knowing he liked me. I could make him do a lot of things if I wanted.

He nodded. "Okay. We can do that."

I wanted to tell him that the fact that I just wanted to have sex with him meant something too, because I was only sexually attracted to him because I liked him. He didn't see it that way and I didn't tell him. "Can I come over?" I asked.

He smiled. "Of course."

At his apartment we had sex in his bed. Like the first time, he was on top, holding me, stroking me, penetrating me. It felt great like usual but after I just looked at the ceiling, feeling kind of empty. I wanted him to make love to me again, but it was scary. I wasn't ready for love.