Lights like Stars [BoyxBoy]

Chapter 12

We marched in the St. Patrick's Day parade, and it was amazing. It was crowded and loud and they loved us. We marched for a long time, but after a big performance we all always felt great. Accomplished. After, we all showered and then attended a banquet. Garrett, Cassidy, and I sat in the front close to the directors. We ate cheesecake, and then everyone went to their rooms because we were going to visit the Cliffs of Moher one more time and then fly out.

Garrett and I sat next to each other in bed after making love. "I'm not ready to go back," he said, eyes closed.

"Me either," I said quietly, looking at the ceiling.

He glanced over at me. "You okay?"

I nodded.

"Alex."

I looked at him. I shrugged. "I'm just not ready. I'm not ready to graduate. I'm not ready for anything."

He grabbed my hand. "Do you want to talk about us?" he asked.

I sighed, clearing my throat. I moved closer to him, squeezing his hand. "Yeah..."

"Well, I'm going to Berkeley. We both know that," he said. "And...I don't want you to revolve your life around me obviously, but I want to still be with you."

"I want to be with you too."

"So...we can move to California together, and you can find a career out there."

I nodded, but didn't look at him.

"What is it? Do you not want to?" he asked.

"I do, but I just feel like it'll be a waste of time," I whispered, my eyes watering.

"You think...being with me is a waste of time?"

"No, Garrett, no. I think you being with me is a waste of time. I think I'm wasting your time. I don't think I'm a good person. I don't think I can be the partner you need. I don't think it will work out."

He sat up, and said, "Alex, we've been over this. I-"

"No," I said, standing. I walked around the room, saying, "I don't want to hurt you. I can't be the person you need as much as I want to."

"That's such bullshit. I know you. You're-"

"I've changed! And unfortunately I've changed for the worse. I'm a shitty person now and I'll always be a shitty person and I've accepted that. But I figure if I'm just going to be a bad person then the least I can do is not waste your time."

He shook his head and stood up too. "Alex, stop. I want this to last but if it doesn't last that doesn't mean it's not a waste of time. How can I convince you that I love you as you are? Right now."

"I believe that you love me but why? You shouldn't."

"You've gotten so much better already over the past few months. If you come with me to California you'll get better. I don't have much of a family and neither do you. I want to start my own family with you. I want to be with you."

I shook my head, pacing.

"Alex...please..."

I stopped. I looked at him again. He was so beautiful. I started putting my clothes on.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Going for a walk."

"Where?"

"Just around the hotel. I won't leave. I just need time to think."

"Think about whether you want to dump me or not?"