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Chapter Four - More Than This

           He couldn't believe it, it couldn't be true. But then again, maybe it could. Zayn knew he'd never been good enough for her, but if she had just said something first-- if she had just given him some kind of warning, some kind of preparation.. but then, maybe he didn't even deserve that. She was levels above him in every way and it was ridiculous for him to think that she'd ever loved him at all. Why would she? How could she? Sometimes he wondered why or how anybody could. Regardless, seeing her with someone else had completely ripped his heart out. Even with knowing that he didn't deserve someone so entirely perfect it still didn't feel right. And no matter how hard he strained he hadn't been able to see his face. It was all a bit of an annoying, desperate blur, but more than anything he was sure it wasn't a friendly interaction. No, it had been something much more, but his legs had failed him and they'd slipped away before he could get a closer look, before he could pull her away and plead with her as if his life depended on it. Because, honestly, in some ways it really did.

           Strangely tied down by a surreal force, he'd felt swallowed up by the crowded sidewalk. His frantic calls seemed a whisper in competition with the volume of the city. Why couldn't he just get her attention? Why wouldn't she just look in his direction and let the realization come over her? He loved her, no matter his shortcomings and flaws. He loved her, and he'd have done just about anything to tell her right then and there. But, for some reason she didn't. And he couldn't.

           Then night had fallen-- or rather, to him it felt as if night had dropped because for some reason everything felt a bit surreal and the darkness came over him so quickly he'd forgotten to turn his headlights on. Maybe he'd just been too caught up in thought to realize the sunset, or maybe his despair had blinded him from beauty. All beauty except her.

           And then he'd been on her stair, the walls boasting a new coat of bright orange paint and reminding him how easily good things could be replaced. Was the orange paint really better? It seemed a bit tacky to him, and he'd rather liked the easy-going blue that had once been. His fingers traced the new color as he slowly made his way to her floor. He felt sad for easy-going blue, really. Maybe it was a little old and boring, maybe there were a few stains and maybe it wasn't the best color ever. But he didn't think that was reason enough to wipe it out entirely. Then the orange paint seemed to change to plum purple, and he wondered if it was the lighting or if perhaps he'd been so distracted he'd missed the plum purple all along. Either way he missed the easy-going blue because-- oh, there was her door.

           His head fell and his eyes bore into the smirched carpet as he thought about her eyes-- her beautiful, oak-brown eyes. Once he'd thought they'd shown with love for him, but now he was convinced it had all been fake. It had to have been. And he didn't think he could bear to look into them and not see that look. Or maybe he was more afraid to look into them and see that look about somebody else.

           And then, as if she'd been able to sense his presence, the door creaked open and she spoke his name.

           "Zayn."

           "Saura--" He attempted, but his voice caught in his throat. Her eyes were distant and hollow and reserved for someone else, but still he couldn't ignore their beautiful depth.

           "Saura, w-what's going on?" his voice cracked with tears he didn't see coming. Why was it that his emotions caught him at the worst times? Why all of the sudden could he not control the streams of salty water that he usually kept in check with no problem? They came so thick and strong that his clothes felt like they'd just been through the washer.

           "Everything's fine, Zayn, everything's fine. Why are you so upset?" She replied with a hand to his face, just like she always did. Everything's fine. How could she say that? She must know that he'd found out. But, she was so sincere he was halfway convinced he'd been wrong. His heart had held a flicker of hope as he considered that he might have just made the whole thing up in his head. But then he'd heard his voice.

           "Everything's fine?" He asked and pushed the door open further, only to reveal Harry's blonde-headed roommate entering the hallway behind her. Harry's roommate? It didn't make any sense.

           "What? Why is he here??" He asked in confusion and looked back to her face. Saura's eyes narrowed with uncharacteristic spite as the young college student wrapped his arms around her.

           "I'm sorry, baby, but this is just how it has to be." She raised her eyebrow, clearly not meaning what she was saying.

           "But Saura--" He pleaded as she began to shut the door. "Saura!"

           "Bye, Zayn." She nearly sneered, the door closing on his face. His fist went to hit the wood, but his strength left him and his whole world was swallowed up in the blackness his heart felt. He felt the dizziness in his head would never stop, swirling ever further into an unknown, terrifying nothingness. His voice called out again and again, her name bleeding out of his lips frantic and scared. "Saura! Saura-- Saura, please, don't. Saura--"

           Zayn’s head jerked and eyes fluttered at the sound of knocking at his door. He inhaled sharply as he cracked his eyelids and looked around himself. Student essays were strewn over his couch, coffee table, and stomach. A red pen bled into his khaki pants where it had been resting in his limp hand. He shoved the papers off of himself and stood up quickly as the knocks continued. Before he could fully wake himself, he pulled the door open, a sick feeling staying in the pit of his stomach.

           "Saura.." he breathed out in relief.

           "Just wake from a nap?" she laughed and stepped closer to him.

           "What? Oh, um, sort of. I was grading papers and.. nodded off I guess." he replied, head and heart still not fully convinced his experience had been a dream. She moved to hug him without reservation, so he carefully reciprocated. She must have sensed his hesitancy, though, because she pulled back, gently gripping his arms and looking up at him.

           "Baby, are you okay?" Her eyes searched his, and when he finally allowed himself to peer back he saw the look he'd been afraid to loose minutes before. His heart took hope-- it really must have been a dream... right?

           "I don't know, I.. I just..." he tried to explain, sleepy, nightmarish confusion clouding his words. She sighed knowingly.

           "You had another dream, didn't you.." she spoke softly and pulled him into another hug. "Baby, you know those aren't true." Her touch was sure and firm, and it helped his heart differentiate dream and reality.

           "I love you so much, and nothing's going to change that. Don't let yourself believe you're not worth it. You are. You are so worth it, baby." She spoke, saying everything his heart needed to hear. "Everything's fine."

           Her body pulled back once more, this time her hand moving to his face, but he turned away with the memory of his dream. He hated that his subconscious could take something so dear to him and twist it into something so awful.

           "Zayn.." she nearly whispered and a frown tugged at her lips. "Let's talk about it then, yeah?"

           He gave a small nod and let her take his hand. He didn't know if she'd ever understand how much her patience meant to him. She always seemed to know just how to make him feel better and was always ready to talk him through his nightmares. The dreams were just so real and life-like that sometimes it took a bit of convincing for him to fully remember what was true and what was fake, but she never seemed to tire of reassuring him again and again that she was there and there to stay.

           And though she was always able to bring him back to reality and he knew that he could trust her implicitly, something in the back of his mind always nagged at him. With a girl like her, it really did seem too good to be true. But, in some ways, maybe that was the best part of all.