Soundtrack

Chapter Sixteen - Na Na Na

It didn’t seem so long ago that he’d snuck in the back door to the kitchen, catching her stealing a lick of the icing covered cake squares.

“I saw that.” he’d surprised her with an eyebrow raise.

“Louis!” she’d hisses, though a smile bounced on her face as he’d rushed toward her. “What are you doing here?”

“I was just in the neighborhood.” he winked, his hands already reaching for her face.

“You were not!” she whispered with a giggle as he pulled her lips to his. Faint chatter had drifted in from the dining room, his soon-to-be wife’s bridal shower just beginning. Louis had known he shouldn’t have been there, but knowing he shouldn’t be doing something rarely stopped him.

“Quiet now, they’ll hear you.” he’d whispered back as his eyes squinted with a laugh.

“You have to leave.” she protested, though her lips betrayed her and kissed him back. He loved that she was just as desperate as he.

“Do I though?” he’d played, not wanting to leave her side for one second, much less an entire afternoon.

“Are you prepared to shmooze with my great aunts and sip mimosas for the next three hours? I may have some tights you could borrow…” she had sassed, and it made Louis’ nose crinkle.

“Ew.” he laughed quietly and pressed to her lips again. He’d had no problem leaving her to experience that by herself.

“Darling?” an older woman’s voice called over the clip-clop of heels. Louis’ eyes had popped as he tried not to giggle, and his bride covered his mouth with her hand, eyeing him harshly. “Darling, are you coming?”

“Uh-- yes! Yes, I’m coming!” she’d called back to the aged voice as she’d shoved Louis towards the back door.

“Ow!” he’d objected to her prodding, but she’d only hushed him and pushed harder.

“Go-- go!” she’d giggled as he’d slid out the door and turned for one last kiss.

“I’ll see you later, then?” he’d grinned, so close to her face he could feel her breath on his nose.

“Yes, now GO.” she’d given a girlish giggle and shoved his chest back. Staggering backwards into the yard that day he’d just known. She was all he wanted, and all he’d ever want.

Louis stared blankly at the counter beneath him, his thumb absentmindedly catching the condensation on the outside of the bottle set in front of him. A football game played on the TV above, but for once in his life he didn’t care. Another swig, another empty sigh.

All he’d ever want. Was it the phrase or the beer that was leaving a bitter taste in his mouth? He thought maybe both. For the past few months he’d been convinced his younger self had been dead wrong. She wasn’t what he’d wanted; it was the idea of her that he’d wanted. That’s why he’d finally put his foot down and called the whole thing off.

Louis grimaced as he gripped the bottle tighter, disgusted at himself for what he was feeling. No, he couldn’t still love her, not after everything she’d done. Not after the arguments, not after the bickering, not after she'd humiliating him in front of his own son. He’d sort of known his desperate attempts on Charlie’s birthday would backfire, and yet still he crawled back. How could she-- how could--

His thoughts were jarred by a banging on the jukebox down the bar. He heard the bartender grunt at the old box as the music righted itself and played on. Louis rolled his tongue along his teeth, regretting his decision to come to the familiar spot. It wasn’t so long ago that he’d done his own time of beating on the old machine, willing her least favorite song to blare out just so he could see the annoyed crinkle of her nose. It had been all fun and games then, a pleasure to see her distaste and a kick to watch her whine in protest. Then she’d have giggled, pressing her forehead into his chest and chiding him for playing the song yet again when he knew she hated it, her protests rooted in affection. Then he’d have laughed and muffled her complaints with a kiss, then his playful teasing and her silly annoyance would have made them both go a bit crazy for each other. But now…

Louis sighed and brought the bottle to his lips again. Now there was no fun in her disapproval. It felt like everything had changed in an instant-- one minute full of love and laughter and passion, the next holding only anger, hurt, and rejection. Sometimes he felt they’d gone from “yes” to “no” so fast there had never been a “maybe.”

His teeth gritted together as his thoughts flipped back again. The hurt in his heart-- the pain, the jealousy, the longing-- it overwhelmed him. His chest felt tight, his eyes slammed shut, his hand curled into a fist. Had it really been that quick? Surely there must have been warning signs. He should have seen the way she was long before, because, well, she had been that way before, hadn’t she…

Louis’ eyes flicked open and he glared hard in front of him. Yes-- yes, she had been. Now that he was thinking clearly he remembered. Even when they were dating she’d pulled him back and forth and disregarded him without a second thought, always wanting to go out and party until he suggested it. And then she’d do that thing that she always did-- pretending to feel sick or too tired or “just a little poorly.” Just a little poorly. How many times had he heard that phrase? Too many. Far too many. He’d always known it was just because she was stubborn, didn’t like his friends, didn’t ever want to put herself out there for him when he felt like having a good time. He’d just been too enamored at the time to see it, that was all. But now he could see it, now he could see her for what she really was.

His fist slammed on the counter, anger rising. The bartender assumed his gesture was for another beer and turned towards him.

“You sure, mate? You’ve already had six.” he nodded gruffly.

“Another.” Louis muttered through clenched teeth, his gaze still fixed ahead in fury. He was an idiot, he was a complete and utter idiot. Somehow his heart still wanted to love her, despite what he’d finally come to realize. But he wouldn’t let himself-- he couldn’t. No more of this back and forth, no more loving one minute and hating the next, no more of her seducing him with her deceiving charm.

Louis grabbed the bottle and quickly chugged half the bubbling liquid. If she wanted separate lives, separate loves, separate joys and heartaches and memories with Charlie, then fine by him. He could think of nothing better than more memories with her.

No no-- nothing worse. “Nothing worse,” he whispered like a curse, angry at his own heart, and took the bottle in his sweaty palm. His breathing became uneven as his heart rate increased, rage growing.

Then he noticed a familiar sound coming from down the bar. It was her song. The one she hated, the one he loved to play over and over again to her annoyance, the one they’d played even within the walls of their own bedroom. No, no-- not the song. It was too much. Shooting off the stool he staggered, fist raising his bottle and swinging as hard as his alcohol inhibited limbs would let him. The glass just missed the ear of the guy wrestling the machine and slammed into the case. Shattered pieces of brown flew in all directions, beer fizzing as it washed over the jukebox.

“Louis!” the bartender yelled, quickly moving from behind the counter. “Louis, it’d be best if you left now, mate,” he spoke, grabbing his arm.

“I know.. I know!” Louis growled and pulled his arm out of his friend’s hold. “I’m going.”

“You want me to call you a cab?” the bartender asked, obviously concerned. 

“I’ll be fine.” Louis grumbled, his words slurring in anger and inebriation. At that moment, he honestly didn’t care if he made it home or not. In fact, he didn’t have it in himself to care about anything, really, because the only thing he could feel was anger. Anger, revenge, and a fierce determination. Because if she could be happy without him, he could be happy without her. He could be, and he would be.