Katya POV
I pull out my phone, my fingers hovering over the keyboard. When i saw Brian 2 days ago, I didn't want to say what i did or insinuate what i did but apparently i had no self control.
me: hey.
He answered almost instantly.
brian<3 : hey, was about to call and ask if you wanted to come to dinner tonight? Me and jo only.
me: chris?
brian<3: his aunt is in hospital. nothing major, his mom wanted him to go to Connecticut though. Will be back in a few days.
me: sure, i'll come. i miss jo! see you in a bit x
For some reason the thought of going to dinner with Brian and his daughter worried me slightly. Especially after our last conversation. Normally after Brian and I have our interactions we won't talk about it. We've never spoken about it. It just happens.
Sometimes when we're at shows for a few days at a time or sometimes in the middle of the day when he comes to my house just to hang.
Every time it happened i thought; 'He knows i love him. Is he just using me because he knows i'm willing?' And then i get mad at myself for thinking so horribly about him.
It hurt that he was cheating. I felt so dirty and disgusting once we had loved each other. It made me feel sick thinking about. But then he looks at me and i realise he's Brian. My Brian. I've been waiting for him for the last 12 years almost. I've had 1 serious boyfriend since he has gotten married and i couldn't commit myself to him because i know what love feels like, that wasn't love.
"Jo!" I cheer, as Brian's daughter comes running to me. She hugs me. "You're tall. Really tall." I say examining her height as she spins around.
"5"7." She states matter-as-factly.
"Hm." I nod. "Where's your dad?" I ask, taking my coat off and hanging it on the rack that sat on the wall beside the front door.
"Cooking. He's trying to make Indian i think, kinda failing but don't say that to him he'll probably cry." She whispers as we walk to the kitchen.
We make it the kitchen, i sit in the window that sat in the wall. "Hey there." I say, watching as he aimlessly throws chillies into a pan. "Smells good."
"Hey." He says, not looking up at me. "Can you help Jo set the table?" He looks at me now. "Dinner will be ready in 6 minutes tops. I promise—- oh my god." He turns around and picks up a sizzling mess of a pan and moves it from over the fire. "Make that 8." He bites the inside of his cheek. "—20?" He sighs. "Jo! Order some Indian." He yells out into his house.
I laugh. "You tried." I lean on my hands. "We okay?" I ask.
He looks at me, putting his utensils down. "We're great." He replies. "I just don't wanna talk about it. Especially since Jo's here." He whispers. "Please."
I sigh. "Yeah. Another time, or never." Probably never. We'll never talk about it. It happens and we say nothing. Nothing. We act as though it never happened.
"Not never. Brian- just not right now, okay?"
"What's not right now?" Jo walks into the kitchen and jumps on the counter. "I've ordered the food, the guy said 25 minutes. Shall i find a good film or we sitting at the table?"
"We're eating at the table but we can watch a film after."Brian says. He's very dad-ly now. Very strict in a good way. Jo listens to him and doesn't mind either.
My eyes slowly moved themselves down to his neck. I smile to myself when i see a gold chain leading down under his T-shirt. I've seen him without his necklace on maybe once since i've gotten it for him, when he broke jaw and had to get a brace. I think he takes it off when he sleeps so the fact that he puts it on everyday adds to the throbbing of my heart.
"You don't need to stare, you know he never takes it off." I jump, Jo was suddenly standing next to me whispering.
"Stare? What?" I laugh awkwardly.
"You're staring at dads chest and admiring the fact that he's wearing the necklace you gave him like 39 years ago. Best friend goals." She mumbles. We're both watching as Brian sets the table. "He doesn't take it off. He yelled at me really badly last month when i tried to take it while he was asleep; i wanted to wear it because it's really pretty."
"He yelled?" Brian wasn't really a yeller.
"He got kinda mad. Said i shouldn't touch his valuables. Guess your necklace is valuable then."
"Chris? What did he say?"
"He said Dad was being dumb and then they both argued and kissed 3 hours later once they had made up... loudly. Made up loudly." She shivers. "Gross."
"Very gross." I stick my finger in my mouth.
"What you guys talking about?" Brian asks as he walks towards us. "Not me i hope."
Jo and I laugh. "Nope." We say in unison.
"I hate you both." He wipes his hand on a kitchen towel and we all go to the living room. I fall on to a chair and slouch in it. "My favourite fucking chair."
"Brian! No swearing!" Brian taunts. "Stupid fucking bitch." He whispers under his breath.
"Piss off." I roll my eyes.
We both turn to look at Jo who's watching us as if we were in a museum. "You guys... I... i don't even know." She throws her hands up in defeat. "How do you guys go so long with being friends? I would so be sick of the other by now." She falls on to the couch Brian was sitting on.
"I hate him." I say. "I'm only still his friend because he buys me food." I add, grinning.
"And i'm only his friends because he makes me seem normal in comparison." Brian shrugs.
Jo rolls her eyes. "Call me when the food gets here. I'm in my room." She jumps up and runs up the spiral stairs.
I stand up from the one man chair and move to the 4 seater sofa that Brian was sat on. "So." I start. I didn't want to leave our conversation undone. I wanted to talk about it. I needed to talk about it. Get it out of my system. "Can we talk? Please?" I mumble.
"You can talk." He says cautiously, looking down at my hand that sat on his thigh. I move when i realise he was looking at it.
I talk as quietly as i could. "You've been married for 10 years." He nods. "You and i — this thing has been going on for like... i don't know, 9 years. Brian, i don't want us to be like this anymore." I don't know what i was trying to say. "I don't want you and Chris to break up only because of that amazing daughter you've got up there but then i think, do you even love him? I think, maybe i should be selfish for once. Maybe i should just declare my love you again. Because i don't think it's fair for me to just be someone you screw with outside your marriage. It's not fair because you know i love you. You know you mean the world to me and you know i can't fucking let go."
"You're right. I can't break up with him- get a divorce even." The doorbell rings. He quickly wipes his face with the back of his hand, "Jo! The foods here."
I stand up as Brian goes to collect the food from the front door. I walk towards the downstairs bathroom, walk in and then close the door. I stare at myself in the mirror that sat above the sink.
I was so broken.
