Trixie POV
I felt sick that day. I still do, 3 days later. I sent him the photo album with my note in it and has practically begged him to get in touch with me. He hadn't. I know i said i would understand if he didn't but i really, deeply thought he wanted to and that he was going to. I was and still am so upset about it but there's nothing i can do but move on. As well as having someone i had romantically loved lost, i have lost a best friend and it killed me.
I had really screwed things up this time. Really badly. That was my specialty. I had ruined everything. I always ruined everything. I ruined things with Chris the first time when i was always talking about Brian. Then i ruined things with Brian when i didn't tell him about Chris. Then again with Chris i ruined things by just being a fucking horrible and awful boyfriend then husband when i cheated on him so many times. Then Brian again. I didn't deserve any of them.
I grab my phone from next to me and think of ways i can make it all right. I've done what i could with Brian. He hasn't forgiven me. But Chris... Chris i've left heartbroken. I was mad at him, yes. But he never deserved what i gave him.
me: hey Chris. i'll understand if you choose to ignore this but i really need you to hear me out. i am so sorry. so so so sorry. about everything. about how we ended the first time 12 years ago and how we ended again just recently. i hope you know that our separation had nothing to do with you and unfortunately all to do with me. it sounds cliché but it really wasn't you, it was me. you treated me like a king. you were strong, kind, protective and you taught me what love felt like. you were so loving towards me and i'm afraid i wasn't always so loving back. i understand now that one needs to hear the words i love you every once in a while. again, i am so sorry. i loved you so much. you were the first person i truly loved and i'm glad you hold the place of the infamous first love in my life. thank you, Christian. for everything.
Although this was my attempt at fixing what was broken, i knew that there was no way it would work. I had ruined everything. I wasn't able to treat anyone the way they should be treated and that hurt me. It made me feel dumb.
My thoughts flew back to Brian. Why hadn't he forgiven me? Did he still love me?
My phone buzzes. I look down at it.
Chris: thank you. i will always love you, Brian. maybe some day it won't be romantically. but you will always have a place in my heart. i'm sorry too. while you treat my protectiveness as a good quality of mine, i want to apologise for how i acted. i sometimes acted as though i didn't trust you. the truth is, i have never really trusted anybody. i'm sorry i didn't trust you and i'm sorry we ended how we did. but i'm not sorry about our time together. it meant a lot.
Chris : ps. Jo keeps saying i'm shit at eyeliner. pls teach me your ways!
I smile. At least that was better. As better as it could be, anyway.
There was a knock at the door. I groggily make my way towards it and pull it open. I see a postman holding a very large cardboard box in his hands. "Deliver for Brian Firkus from Brian McCook." He says, handing me a paper to sign.
My heart skips a beat. Brian sent me something? I thought he was going to ignore it all. A glimmer of hope shone in my mind. "Thank you." I say, taking the box from him.
I close the door with my fit and walk towards my couch. I carefully place the box onto my table; i didn't know what was in it. I stare at it for a while before completely tearing it apart. It revealed lots of tissue paper piled inside. I pull it all out and throw it behind me. I stand up and stare down into the box. I look down and see a tiny pack of cigarettes. I reach in to grab them. They were open. I held in a chuckle in case there wasn't a humorous or light meaning to why Brian had sent over a pack of cigarettes.
I slip open the box. I huff when i notice that in place of cigarettes, there were pieces of white paper rolled and stuck into place.
I smile. Was my note thing catching on?
I pull the first one out. The pieces of paper were small, and i had thought that Brian had written notes on all of them. But he hadn't. The first paper said 'I'. I pull out the second one. 'love'; I was catching on now. The third one, 'you'. 'and' 'i' 'miss' 'you'. 'i' 'forgive' 'you'. 'come' 'to' 'my' 'apartment' 'now'.
I throw the box down. He forgives me. Fuck! I wasn't even dressed or showered and was in my boxer shorts and a basic oversized t-shirt but i really didn't care. I sprint out of my house and to my car.
I wasn't going to mess it up this time. I was going to tell Brian exactly how i feel.
