Trixie POV
My hands shook as i held my favourite pink pen against a paper. This wasn't my book of songs or anything special, just the back of a poet i he found in the draw of our hotel room.
Without your cologne,
Or calls on the phone,
I don't know you at all
I was sat on the bed towards the door, by myself. Brian was on the bed behind me. We hadn't spoken much and it stressed me out; it annoyed me and worried me. Would we ever go back to how things were? I was so afraid that the answer was a clear no.
And i'm growing older,
I know that we're over,
The way we always had been,
I turn slightly to look at him clearly. He wasn't on his phone, although it was next to him. He was lying on his back with his hands rested on his stomach. His eyes were wide open and he was staring out of the window at the moon. It was pitch black outside, the sky was dark but the moon shone through into our room.
He probably felt that i was looking at him, he turned to look at me too.
Then I see you,
and i know you all over again.
He was so familiar. He had always been mine. He had always been the person i had just known. I just knew him and everything about him.
"Hey." He eventually croaked. This took me aback. He was talking? Weird. He started the conversation? Weirder. The thing is, we never even ended on bad terms. Not at all. We ended with a cuddle, a kiss and a cry. But we were still fucking exes, we were broken up.
"Hi." I reply.
Silence, again. It was shit. I looked up into his eyes again and waited. He eventually looked away and broke eye contact. "What are you doing? — I mean, what are you writing?" He asks. I look down at the messy sheet of paper. It looked like a good song. I've had the melody for months but have never been able to put anything into words. Now it's coming out all so easily.
"Nothing. You'll just have a cringe attack if i tell you." I say, which was completely true. It was gross and weird and awkward.
"I've seen my fair share of cringe... tell me." He presses, "I won't judge." He sits up now, crossing his legs and facing me. I turn and do the same thing. The beds weren't so far apart from each other, this may have been the closest we had been in a while.
"A song. I guess it isn't too gross considering this is what i do with my life." I chuckle, grabbing onto the paper with slight more force. I felt like he could see, i didn't want him to see.
"Sing it?"
"No."
"Okay."
And that was the last conversation we had that night.
•
"Hey Dad!" Jo cheers through the phone. We were facetiming, she was staring right at me with two braids in her hair and her father behind her. "I miss you!" She added.
"Hey hun, i miss you more." I smile. "How's Connecticut?" I ask.
"Normal. Grandma and Grandpa are going to Aunt Cass's tonight so Dad and I are gonna order pizza and have a lie in all alone." She grins, turning the phone on Chris. He smiles awkwardly before slowly turning the phone back onto Jo.
It was fucking awkward with everyone now. Even Jo realised the situation and was biting her nails anxiously. Fuck. Fuck fuck.
"Erm..." She mumbles, looking up. She was trying to think of something else to say. "Where's Uncle Brian?" She comes up with. She obviously didn't understand the situation that well if she was asking me that.
"Here!" I hear behind me. I turn around to see Brian, freshly showered. He comes to sit next to me. He was sitting close. That was weird. That was nice.
Chris disappears from behind Jo. "Hey! I miss you!" Jo says to him. I gave him my phone to hold.
"I miss you too!!" He cheers enthusiastically. "So much! How's Matt?" He asks, turning his voice into a whisper.
I heard a few mutters about a 'night' and a 'room.' "Right! Okay! We can stop right there!" I yell, grabbing my phone. "I'm not listening to this!" Jo yells at me asking to give Brian the phone and Brian hits my arm telling me to let him to talk to her. I was being attacked both verbally and physically.
I laughed before shouting at Jo to shut up and hitting Brian back. It felt so great and normal. I smiled. I actually smiled.
And then i turn to see him.
and i know him all over again.
•
If i could turn back time, i would. I would stop Chris before falling into old habits. I would never have kissed him. Looking back I realise that had ruined my whole relationship with Brian, which i know realise means more to me that anything ever. Other than Jo, Brian was apparently the only thing that made me smile.
My heart aches at the look of him, at the thought of him. He makes me smile and laugh but i haven't in so long because he isn't mine anymore.
The final moments of our relationship were better than the end of a lot of other relationships. It almost made me think we could go back to normal. But who was i kidding? A breakup is a breakup. An ex is an ex.
But then i see him,
and i know him all over again.
But then i see you,
and i love you all over again.
