Unexpected ▪ Yuri On Ice

The Crying Game

R: A bit sexy

YK

As soon as my body is in the threshold of Victors house he takes it. He slams the door, grabs the front of my flannel and pulls me into a clashing kiss. Its hot, passionate, maybe even desperate, like he wants me to stay and never leave. 

Its strange. 

Two weeks ago, before Jeans birthday, it would have been normal, because then Victor was Victor; he was a big dorky sappy happy bright shining ball of a man. Jeans party did something to that Victor, it locked him in a box, hidden somewhere in his hearts corners.

On the outside he's still the same, he still smiles, he's still a very tactile person, he still laughs, he's still dazzling but its not the same; the smiles have grown smaller, his laughs less imperfect and pure, he's become serious. When we cuddle, when we kiss like this, its wordless, without cheesy one liners and laughs and smiles. That's strange. It's not how its supposed to be, how Victor is supposed to be. The first thing I asked him to be to me was himself, Victor Nikiforov, not this shell, just being a boyfriend and not being Victor at all. I know he's still himself, he's not changed, but... he's shrunk, like a star shrinks when all the particles implode together, the calm before the supernova explosion. 

And really, who's fault is it but mine?

Victors hands move to my hips, holding firmly and pressing me up to the wall by the door, his kiss turning sweeter but not loosing any of its heat.

We haven't had a conversation yet, we haven't talked about how Victor feels. I know he's not fine, but I don't know how let down, how sad, how angry he might be. He hasn't even hinted. Its not good. And its all because I made Carson my responsibility, I made him my problem, my concern.

They say a hero's greatest weakness is that they value the life of others. Why must I have a hero's weakness but not be a hero? Maybe if I were I could be good enough to save Carson and Victor, to keep the first from falling to black and the second from burning out.

But if the sun burns out I can never hope to save the falling.

"Hey," I smile at him, bumping my head against the wall to get some talking space, he doesn't seem to want to talk as he chases my lips, just nipping the bottom one.

A hint, the same hint every time. Victor doesn't want to talk so he shuts me up with his mouth again and again, its like, since the party he's just wanted to know he has me but wants nothing more, not even to fix these cracks.

"What's gotten into you?" I breathe, trying to keep my head straight when he's kissing along my jaw, behind my ear, his hands trailing up my back slowly.

"My want for you has always been in me Yuuri" he whispers into my ear. I wait for a chuckle, a self satisfied grin, a sappy comment, anything.

Nothing. He just continues, continues caressing my spine, continues letting his mouth play on my neck.

Carson and I don't talk on campus. Well, more like I pretend he doesn't exist on campus. Not because of my bitterness, because he may be my concern but he's not my friend. I let him know as much. However we have spoken over the phone. Twice. He called the first time to make sure Victor and I were ok and it turned into a conversation about how he and I felt in the after, the after of our relationship. He called a second time, two nights ago, because he's not as good at handling living alone as Victor is. Having his own space is constricting to him, not free. I connect to that feeling, I'm worse too, given my own space, when my mind has time to think it thinks me straight into a deep, deep hole in the ground. Sometimes someone to talk to can make all the difference.