Unexpected ▪ Yuri On Ice

Fall At These Feet

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Pichit comes home and he does it way quicker than I could expect is possible. I barely feel him ram the door into my back through all the pain. He calls my name, I'm sure he does, it sounds so far away. I bite my lip, try to stop sobbing. He's seen me cry before, he's seen me scream and yell and throw things against walls but still for some reason I don't want him to see this. Maybe its because he'll think i made a mistake by getting rid of something i was too lucky to have in the first place, something too rare to ever cast away.

There's a soft click of a door, somewhere. I only become aware of Pichit when he touches me, gently on the shoulder, transferring warmth long gone.

"oh Yuuri" softly, he speaks, joining me on the floor and circling me with his arms, "What happened? Did you and Victor fight?"

I nod. I would tell him it's much more than just a fight but words don't formulate in my throat, they can't squeeze through the lump there. Instead I unravel a little and use Pichits body to hide from this twisted reality where I am only a half. A half I have to be to survive.

I don't know how long we sit tangled on the floor, leaning against the door; my body between Pichits legs and head against his jumper. It's safe, comfortable, homely, but not home. It's then that the worst of it subsides, the tears dry up and the sobs fall away, dormant until they're needed once again.

"Pichit?" My voice sounds unlike itself, smaller, rawer, the way I feel within.

"yea?" he whispers above me as he runs his fingers up and down my spine. It's so light, the touch, but the support it brings is much heavier to me.

"Am I wrong to care about Carson?"

"Care about him how?" I forget how little I've been communicating with Pichit. He should know all of this already, he's got the wright, he earned the wright.

"He... he's got his own problems, bad ones, I've been there to listen. Is that wrong?"

"Does he not have someone else?" I shake my head against his black jumper.

"Well he was your first love, it's not surprising that-"

"But is it wright?" That's what it really comes down to. Victor made me feel as if what i was doing, what I'm doing isnt wright. If that's true, if he's wright then the tables turn, I become the bad person, Victor becomes the victim.

"You're a good person with a good heart Yuuri. That asshole has walked all over you yet you're still willing to help him. It's noble"

A pause.

"Is that what you and Victor fell out over?" My fingers curl tighter into the fabric like a reflex.

"we didn't just fall out we... he's everything I never wanted Pichit. Everything I was trying to run away from has just... come back to bite me in the ass" I almost bite my lip off trying to hold back another outburst of anguish, trying to suppress and delete and erase.

I know that won't happen. I know that's not even possible let alone easy.

A fool can dream.

"Yuuri what do you mean?" he sounds graver all of a sudden, as If picking up my thread of direction, twining it between his fingers and getting a feel of what this is.

"He refused to let me go to the party Pichit. He tried to distract me from it by manipulating his position in my heart. He doesn't trust me" a tear falls and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

Physical pain starts from the outside of the skin, it attacks nerve endings and sends electrical impulses to your brain. This pain is a very different thing, this pain is born in the very core of the heart, it spreads like an infection, it fills your organs, makes it hard to live and breathe. It travels through your nerves to their ending and bounces right back, flowing like blood without a balance, building and building until you forget what normal feels like.

I pray for physical pain, I fall at the knees of this much deeper feeling of burning alive.

"that sounds an awful lot like C- right... I see. Everything you tried to run away from"

"What do I do now Pichit?" many people face problems when it comes to direction in life. It's hard to choose when there are so many paths, no way to distinguish which is the worst.

I pray just to see just one path, I fall at the feet of aimlessness and an erased future.

"You live. You don't need Victor, you can bloom on your own, you already have"

Live.

If only it were that simple.