I remember the day I saw him in the playground. It was a Friday afternoon and the playground was illuminated by the sunshine. I never did know why that day was so clear and sunny, but I do know it was when I met him.
Jeon Jungkook.
We were in the same class, in 5th grade. I could never bring myself to talk to him, not until middle school. My clumsy self couldn't hold all of my books and when I bumped into him, my crush, I made him hurt his arm.
When I sat him down in the nurse's office he told me that he was fine and if I was okay. We talked as we waited for the nurse. I realized I'd never met someone so considerate of others. So... caring.
It was as if I had been thrown into another world, universe, dimension.
That was the day I saw color.
After that we hung out, became best friends. We were inseparable. Every time we were seen in the hallways people shouted out that we were friendship goals. I'd never felt any more good about myself.
8th grade was eye opening for me. It was when I realized I loved him. I wanted to always be with him, have my arm around him and his around me. I changed my classes so that we could always sit together, giving the excuse that one class had clashed with another therefore ending up with a similar schedule.
High school arrived and our classes changed up a bit. We couldn't hang out as much but it was alright. I still loved him and he, well, still cared about me.
When 11th grade began, he seemed off. He was hanging out less with me, and he seemed to be busy all the time. All I heard were excuses of 'oh, I have homework' or 'maybe another time, hyung.' That was the moment I realized that... he'd begun to forget me.
I felt anger bubble up in my chest, swarming over me as if I was drowning...
I didn't know what this feeling was, I'd never felt this much pain in my chest at once. Hate, hurt, heartbreak, sadness?
One day he thought it'd be fun to just play with my feelings. He said that we should go somewhere over the weekend, to catch up. All that to just break his promise and say he couldn't actually go in the end. I debated where to go, home or where I was supposed to go with him. I shrugged it off, I'd have fun, even if it hurt, he didn't deserve my attention.
That was the worst decision I could have ever made, I should have gone home, turned around, gone back.
Why did he lie to me.
Walking with some other guy, some other friend when he'd said he was busy.
I got home I went straight to my room tearing apart pictures of Jungkook that I had taken with him. The once beautiful Polaroids were ripped, smudged, crumbled.
I hated him.
He gave me the color of my life and he also took it away.
Black and white, gray scale.
After that, I never talked to him again. He never knew why but it's not like he tried to recover our friendship.
I never could stop loving him, but it didn't mean I couldn't despise him.
I changed my classes, switched seats in the ones that weren't able to be switched. Tore all the notes we ever exchanged. I wanted to erase him from my life.
But as they say, revenge is way better than forgetting.
Figuring out what could ruin him was difficult. But I knew I'd find a way.
I made myself a promise at the end of that year,
Jeon Jungkook, I'll make your life hell.
