But You Don't Care

jyu

I quickly pulled my hoodie off and threw it to the side. I jumped up on the banister with tears streaming down my face, and a hollow feeling occupying my heart. I stood on the railing and put my arms out on either side of me.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered to nobody in particular, yet everybody at the same time. Even if this fall didn't kill me, and it probably won't, I'd quickly freeze and drown. Whatever works. I closed my eyes and started to lean forward, ready for the water to embrace me in its cold clutches.

But it never came.

I felt a hand gripping the back of my black shirt. I opened my eyes as I was pulled backwards onto the bridge. I looked up and saw Ichimatsu, out of breath and breaking a sweat. I slowly pushed myself up into a sitting position, and stared up at my younger brother.

"What the hell were you thinking?!" he yelled at me. I was still in a daze, and my voice wouldn't come. He lifted me off the ground by the collar of my shirt and brought me up to his face. I could see small tears in the corners of his eyes.

"Are you stupid or something?! Don't you EVER run off and do this again! You understand me?!"

I had put my hands on his forearms and began to cry harder. I didn't care anymore, I just wanted to sleep forever. Ichimatsu eased up and set me on my feet. He grabbed my cuts on my arm and I let out a hiss of pain. Small lines of red started fading through my bandages. I started to pull my arm away as Ichimatsu started to unravel them, but stopped when he looked up at me and his grip firmed up. He pulled the bandage off and stared at the six gashes up my forearm, some of which were now bleeding again. He pulled a rag out of his pocket and gently dabbed the crimson liquid away. I stared at his hands, and noticed that he had blood on his knuckles. It definitely wasn't his.

"When did you do this?" he asked. I looked up from the ground.

"Ah- two days ago," I mumbled in shame. He nodded as he put the rag back in his pocket. He handed me my phone, which now had a shattered screen. I put it in my pocket.

"Thanks."

"Mhm. Now why did you do it?"

I stayed silent and stared at the ground for a while.
"It's the only thing that would stop me from thinking such ugly thoughts. You wouldn't understand, I suppose."

He didn't say anything, rather he pulled up his sleeves and held his arms out to me. I gazed with wide eyes at the dull lines running up and down his forearms. Some were darker than others, and some were going the opposite direction. I looked up at him.

"Why didn't you tell us? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Same reason you didn't say anything. I didn't think any of you would understand, much less care."

"I've always cared..." I mumbled.

"I know, and I resented you for it. I could never understand how you could have so much love for those who don't show it back to you. I could never understand how you could show so much compassion for those who berate you on the daily. And I could never understand how you continued to go out of your way for those who push you to the side."

"Heh. Someone has to show it. It only seemed right that it would be me."

"...Yeah...well, I got into a conversation with Tomomi one day when you all went out for Pachinko. She told me she was worried about you, and explained to me why."

"What? She told you? Sh-She promised she wouldn't say anything!"

"Don't get mad at her, she just wants to help you. Anyways, she didn't tell me everything, obviously."
He gestured to my arm. I pulled it close to my body.