Jacqueline || BWWM

Chapter Thirty Six

"If you really like him, then what's the problem?" Beatrice asks, tilting her head to the side to look at me--standing at at least five foot six she trumps my five foot nothing height with no problem whatsoever. Her straight, milk chocolate brown hair lazily falls into her hazel eyes and a curious smile takes over her lips.

I try to fight the smile that wants to explode onto my partly embarrassed face. I've never really talked about guys with anyone besides Anaya--Hazel isn't allowed to date until she graduates--and even then it was always about her boyfriends.

"I don't know." I whisper-groan, kicking a little rock across the sidewalk. Beatrice and I watch in silence as it skid for no more than a meter before it rests in the grass besides us.

"You do know, Sweetie." She finally says, looking at me in that way she does when Jace calls her mommy or Jay randomly hugs her.I blink, positive I miss read her. "You just have to think about it real hard."

"I have." It's true. Since the moment I told Finn I liked him--how in the world did I manage to do that?-- last week, almost all my thoughts have revolved around him. I know it's kind of pathetic, but in a way it helps me out with my new anxiety. I've never had an officially boyfriend--not that Finn and I are official or anything-- before. I'm more than clueless at what I'm supposed to do. Like should I be worried that he hasn't once tried to kiss me on the lip in the week since we said what we felt or is that normal? Am I supposed to be content when he kisses on the head and occasionally cheek or should I want more? I've asked Anaya for advice, but the girl--never one to have a relationship last more than two weeks-is useless.

"Then you know the problem." I'm about to interject and exclaim that no, I actually really don't, when she holds her pointer finger up as if say, hold up. "You're just in denial. You don't want to admit that the answer you got is right."

I think about her words for a long minute, and still nothing of use come to mind, just the repeating thought that perhaps I'm overacting. Maybe Finn and I are fine, and I'm justly trying to drive myself crazy. Everything is probably good, and I'm just not used to things being that way, so I'm trying to find a fault. Or maybe I'm under-reacting. Maybe we're rushing things, and pretty soon everything is going to crash and burn in my face.

Maybe I shouldn't have told Finn that I liked him.

I slowly draw my red lip between my teeth at the thought. More like it-maybe it would've been better never to have met Finn-cloud my mind.I'm just about to drown in my sea of maybe's when Beatrice wraps a comforting arm around my shoulders. She draws me into her warm side and I breath in her relaxing and familiar scent--Irish springs soap mixed with every Dove body product ever made and a sprinkle of cinnamon from Robert constantly having her in some type of embrace-as I try to calm down.

"You're ok." She whispers, running her arms soothingly down my back. "Just breath."

A strong sense of deja vu hits once her last two words register in my mind. Just a month ago, I was basically in this same situation, but with Finn. My only problem then was that I was going to fall. Now, not too far into my future, I've fallen--not in anyway I could have ever predicted-- and the pain is going to be much worse. All because of the realization that comes to mind.

I slowly detangle myself from Beatrice's arms and kick at I wish to be a rock but in reality is only the cement of the sidewalk. "Finn isn't the problem. I am." My voice is strained to my own ears but I don't give it much thought as I start walking again. All I want to in this moment is get home and sleep, forget the fact that it's no later than six o'clock.

Beatrice only stays dumbstruck by words for a minute. With just a few quick long strides of her longer legs, her and I are walking side by side again. "How are you the problem?"

"I'm me."

"I don't understand."

"I'm going to ruin us." A lump the size of the big apple forms in my throat and I struggle to swallow around it. "One way or another, I'm somehow going to find a way to destroy whatever Finn and I achieve."

Beatrice is quiet again as we near our turn. I try to stay numb and unthinking as I let her get her facts together.

"Is Finn worth fighting for?"

I don't hesitate with my answer. "Yes."

"Then fight for him."

"Huh?"

How in the world am I supposed to fight for him? As far as I know, the antagonist is me, not some overly pretty girl.

"You said the reason you didn't think Finn and you could be together was because of you." She pauses and waits for me to nod my before continuing. "But you also said he was worth fighting for." Again, I nod my head yes, though I'm lost on what her point is. "So fight for him."

"How?"

Beatrice shrugs and throws me a helpless smile. "I don't know, Sweetie. I think that's for you to figure out."

I groan audibly, more than a little disappointed that she doesn't have the answer.

"What I do know though, is that Finn and you got something good going on." A fond smile lightly touches her lips. "You're different after an afternoon with him."

"How?"

"It's just small things, things you probably don't even know you do."

"Like what?" I'm genuinely curious because I try to keep track of what I do and don't do ninety-nine percentage of the time. The only reason I don't keep track of the other one percent is because I'm not perfect.

"Sometimes you talk more. Take Monday dinner for example. You actually had a whole conversation with Robert. You never speak more than a few sentences to him." Her voice isn't accusing in any way, but that doesn't stop dread from tying a tight knot in my stomach. "Tuesday you offered to help me make the next day's lunch. Usually after dinner, you only stay around enough to help clean the kitchen."

"Oh." I'm a little embarrassed, to say the least. I guess I should've paid better attention to that little percentage instead of ignoring it.

"Don't feel bad. Robert and I don't blame you in anyway. We might not always understand your every action, but we will always try to."

I manage a weak smile that only lasts a second before turning into a huge grin when I spot a black car parking on the side of the green house. Beatrice--seeing my overly happy reaction-- chuckles lightly, and her hazel eyes turn a darker color as a few laugh lines appear around her eyes. She gives me this what are you going to do? look. To which I answer by ditching her and running up the little hill to the black car. I slow down my run to a nice, even steps when I'm a few yards away--I read this article online that said to never act too clingy. I'm not sure if being really excited to see Finn after a few days falls into the clingy category or thats-what-your-supposed-to-do category, but just in case it happens to fall into the former, I want to be on the safe side of things.

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Love you all, Liv

DP: Nov.29.17

WC: 1,321