Energy

Chapter 1: Introduction

It has been about... a very long time since I appeared. Birth may not be the word for it, since nobody originated me - I think. Nothing other than existence was ever given to me, and so I created. In order to beat the loneliness of my solo life (if I can call it that way) I created beings. Things to manifestate myself through. Things to watch. Things to learn from. Out of these things, although my favorites are bunnies (such adorable creatures!) I must give credit to humans, who developed speaking and who named me: Energy.

Introducing myself may be hard, since I do not have the benefit of language or matter to communicate. Still, if I were to try introducing me to myself, the time I could take would be shockingly ridiculous. "A being as old as time, unable to explain themselves to themselves?" You will find this saying less curious when taking into consideration that the longer one lives, the more questions asks and, therefore, more confused they are.

I could start saying I am. Not that I am human, or a rabbit (although I wish I were as adorable as they are), or a river or a black hole or... well, the options are endless. I am all of those, but none of those. They exist because of me, but I exist without them. This being said, I am.

Following this useless sentence, I could say I was once a boy, because humans are the beings closest to me and I tried to connect myself to them for long centuries. I was a boy because I liked to explore, like they used to do. In the future, however, it became an obligation to explore. After all the misteries were either solved or "not for boys", there was nothing. Meaning left when the freedom of searching became a burden, and I grew from a boy to a man.

So I tried being a girl. It hurt way more than being a boy. Although I was always both, when giving extra attention to the girls I was shocked by the extreme amounts of pain. Not only once a month, but with every mean word. Every impossible beauty standard, every unwearable dress and painful heels. Everything girls did for men (because boys were innocent, and no boy would cause this pais upon girls. Those were mean, short tempered, long bearded, men). I could not bear it for long and gave up on defining myself on this matter, although I could never stop thinking about the pain girls experienced every day of their lives.

The term "non-binary" took a long time to find me. A long time after I had given up on my gender searches, this answer came to my rescue. Non-binary. Neither a boy, nor a girl. Not a man, nor a woman. A being. A conscience. A life without the mandatory freedom of a boy-man. Free of the the duties and closure of girls-women. When this term came across my desk, everything was already changing. I had felt it. Bras being burned and voices being heard when the number of people allowed to vote doubled. Yet the name felt so right. So I wore it. That old shoe I never acknowledged, but fit every curve and line of my foot. I wore my gender-label.

Therefore, this draft of an introduction is now filled with two pieces of information:

                                                                 "I am. Non-binary."

A species could also define me, although species have matter and that disqualified me for all of those. This was not even a search. Just a thoughtless thought.

No other word occured to me. Nothing else could explain me. All I knew is that I am alive.

                                                          "I am. Non-binary. Alive."

                                                                              ...

"I am. Non-binary. Alive. Silent."

"I am. Non-binary. Alive. Silent. Void."

"I am. Non-binary. Alive. Silent. Void. Numb."

"I am. Non-binary. Alive. Silent. Void. Numb.... Dead."

What was I? What am I?

The thought took control of my conscience as a disease, spreading too fast to be controlled. Everything else was meaningless. Noting mattered. Only the question, the strong headache caused by this sudden sickness. It hit me until I bled (or would have). When I noticed I had allowed a small city in South America to go out of power, I pulled myself together.

That's enough thought for now.