Living In A Nightmare

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven

(Jonhathan)

February 2nd

I sit in the living room on the couch with Jared, trying desperately to pretend to be happy as he flips through the channels for something to watch on tv. I never realized how hard it is to pretend to want to be by someone and love them when all I want to do is be far away from Jared as possible. Just because I told him I love him and sit near him doesn't mean I really do or that I want to. I still think about how I can leave every day and get away from here especially now when I'm not so sure what the future holds if I stay and never leave.

I have no idea if everything will turn out for the better or for the worse. It scares me even more knowing I'm carrying his baby and I might have to raise it here and will never be able to leave. It isn't like I wanted the baby to begin with but it also isn't his or her fault that they were created.

I guess Katelynn was right when she said I wouldn't want to have an abortion even if I had the option. I don't think I could because it's still my baby, a part of me inside my body growing. I know it's weird and I want to hate it more than anything because it's a part of Jared but I can't. The more I try the more I can't hate it because I know that I shouldn't. All I know is this baby inside me is what makes me want to leave here even more than before since I found out.

I glance over looking at the door that is only feet away from where I sit but I know I won't be able to just walk over there and walk out without causing a scene. I've tried that once and it didn't work out that well so I don't plan on trying that again anytime soon. Besides it wouldn't really work now since Jared is sitting right next to me with no intentions to leave my side as he sits beside me. It would be pointless to try anything when I would be getting nowhere. Not only that but I'm not so sure I would want to chance upsetting him now when I've finally managed to earn his trust somewhat back for him to even allow me to be downstairs in the first place. I don't know if it's because I'm carrying his baby or that he really does want to change and loves me but he hasn't been abusive or mean towards me in the last month. He also stopped drinking as much as he was and started taking his medication like Katelynn told him to.

I know it's crazy but I still find myself actually feeling sorry for Jared and thinking maybe I can fall in love with him. I know anyone in this situation would hate Jared for everything he has done so far but it's hard for me not to feel sorry for him. I never knew what was going on in his head until Katelynn told me and everything made more sense.

For the longest time I just thought Jared was mean and evil but I didn't know the whole time he was struggling with hearing voices in his head telling him what to do. Jared is schizophrenic and combined with his drinking it only made it worse. I'm not saying that because I found this out that I forgive him because I don't. I just feel sorry for him about how bad he has it even though it makes me more scared of him.

The day Katelynn told me and Jared walked in I shocked not just Katelynn but also myself when I walked over to him and tried to convince him everything was going to be okay and that I loved him. I wasn't only saying that to convince him but myself too that things would get better. I wanted to believe things would change and he wouldn't continue to be the person I feared anymore. I really want to believe deep down he isn't such a bad person and he can be the nice person he was before that I started to fall in love with but I don't know if that's possible.

Jared has changed for the better but that doesn't change how I see him. Every night when I close my eyes and I try to fall asleep I see everything that he has done to me. I remember how scared I was of him the night I tried to escape back in October and he caught me. I remember how he told me he was going to show me how much he loved me and that was when he got on top of me after I told him not to. After everything replays back in my head is about the time I open my eyes and remind myself just because Jared has changed now doesn't mean I can forgive him and feel sorry for him.