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12/11/16
MY HAND SHAKES ever so slightly as I hold my sleek phone in my hand.
I take a deep breath as my eyes glance at the closed door praying Chase doesn't walk in on me. I press my best friend's name and lift the phone to my ear. A piece of me is broken and I feel more lost then I have in a long time, so I can't keep lying. I have to step up. I have to share my life with those who love me. I have to hold on to what ties me to this life.
The phone rings a few times before she finally picks up.
"Hayley!" she cheers excitingly. Grayson never used to be this chipper, but being in a healthy relationship sure can turn a person. "I wasn't expecting your call."
"Is this okay?" I question. "Are you busy?" I test slowly. A part of me wishing she is so I don't have to admit my many faults.
"Never busy for you," she sings and I can already picture her large grin coating her face.
A weak smile reaches my lips but doesn't reach my eyes, because I know she will be disappointed. Disappointed in me and my actions that are slowly making me fall apart piece by piece.
"Hayley," she says my name slowly. "You're quiet," she states next. Without even seeing me she already knows I'm off, she knows the truth. She knows me, even when I try to hide myself from her. "Is everything okay?"
I swallow the lump forming in my throat. "No," I answer truthfully. "Everything is not okay."
"Hayley," she breathes her voice filled with uncertainty. "What's happened?"
"I don't even know here to start," I tell her honestly as my teeth begin to naw on my bottom lip.
"Begin whenever is easiest," she says simply because she is more understanding of me then I am with myself at times. She always is because she's my best friend and my number one supporter.
I open my mouth to tell her about Clayton and my mixed up feelings for him. How he consumes my every thought, and when he's around I feel as if I'm burning. That he is the sun and I don't want to get too close because I know I'll get burned, but I can't stop myself from moving closer. From wanting more. It's illogical, and heart racing, and everything I shouldn't need but it's all I want. Like the geological force that makes the waves kiss the shore, I crave Clayton Hasting.
But something stops me, holds me back, and keeps me from revealing a part of me still to my best friend. I don't know what it is about him that makes me want to hoard every moment I have with him and keep it for myself and no one else, but I do.
"I'm pretending to be Chase's girlfriend," I state truthfully. The words fumble out of my lips before I even realize what I'm saying. I want to tell her about Clayton, but I don't. I tell her about my fake relationship instead.
"Hayley," she chides slowly. "Why?" she questions next.
I shrug even though I know she can't see me. "He asked me to," I respond lamely knowing it won't be a good enough reason for Grayson.
