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12/10/16
THE SOFT WET sand under my bare thighs makes my pink lips turn up in a content smile. The water is freezing, and everyone else is smart enough to stay away from the ice-cold ocean and just bathe in the hot sun. But I want to feel the salty water, I want to breathe it in, and if I could stand the cold long enough I would swim in it. But for now I let the water wash up on my bare feet.
I pull my thin cardigan around me a little tighter as the wind pushes off the ocean and brushes against my pebbled skin.
My neck twists lightly to see Clayton sitting by his parents. His sunglasses are pulled over his hangover filled whisky eyes and he's relaxing, but somehow I'm everything but relaxed. Every nerve is taut and on edge waiting for him to say something, waiting for him to say nothing. To acknowledge me in any way, but he won't. Last night wrecked me in a way I'd never experienced. It was wrong on every level, but what was most wrong about it was how right it felt. How right his hands felt touching me, kissing my sensitive skin, and making me feel alive and on fire. The way it felt, how right it was in the moment sits heavily on my chest making it hard to catch my breath against the chilled air. Because I loved every moment, I love it too much for the situation I'm in right now.
We barely know each other but the way his presence surrounds me reminds me of the way the ocean is pulled towards the shore. Even when the tide is low the water is still called upon to kiss the sandy edge. It's beyond control, beyond reasoning.
Just like Clayton and myself.
"You wouldn't be so cold if you didn't sit in the damn water," Chase remarks as he slides next to me on the beach. He's wrapped in a thicker hoodie, one that brings a faint smile to my chapped lips. It's one that I routinely steal from Chase because it's so warm and smells like him. It makes me feel safe. He then drapes a beach towel around my shivering torso.
"Thanks," I whisper as the sea rushes up to graze my toes once again. Chase will never understand how grateful I am for him in my life. While our situations are nothing alike, we are both lost in this huge world we call home trying to find our way through the maze that is life.
"Are you having fun?" Chase asks after a brief pregnant pause between us. It's as if he can see the guilt that fills me after last night even though I know he doesn't know what happened. No one does obviously, but when I saw his parents this morning I swear it was almost like they knew what transpired between Clayton and myself. Like I had it tattooed on my forehead for everyone to see, to know my faults. I thought about telling Chase, but I couldn't. I can't busy him with drama in his life right now, and I don't want to disappoint him. God, all I feel like I do is disappoint.
"Of course," I tell him truthfully as a small assuring smile pulls at my lips. "Just a little out of it," I admit. That's why I'm sitting so close to the ocean. When I'm by the ocean everything else falls away and it's only me and the water and the waves and the glittering blue that sparkles off the sun.
