Rants of a Salty Slytherin

Loneliness and stuff

I want a pet. But not just to have a pet. Not to have an accessory. I want something to love. Despite my outward appearance I hold a lot of love in my heart that I would be happy to give. But people take advantage of that. People have hurt me when all I wanted was to love them. Not romantically, just love. I see cats and dogs on the street, on the sidewalk, in a park, in a pet store, in shelters, and I look at them and think "I could love you."

You don't understand, I'm lonely. Yes, I have family and friends who are (usually) there for me. But no one is here at 2 in the morning, in my empty house. When dad is working 1000 miles away so we can keep the house and mom is running around for 12-13 hours straight trying to keep people alive. When every harsh reality beats me to my bones. When the weight of the silence is for me to bear on my own two shoulders. When I'm alone with my thoughts and every fear is staring me in the face. Taunting me. Mocking me. Belittling me. I'm alone.

I want a pet to love. Because I can't love myself. Believe me, I've tried. I hate myself. I hate me more than you hate me. Every bad thing you've ever said, ever thought about me. I've said the same. Every day. Every night. No one could hate me more than I hate myself.

"Why can't you love yourself? Why do you need a pet to love?" Let me tell you a story. I had a dog. His name is Jinxx. I loved him with every fiber of my being. I had him while I was in high school. He's the reason I stayed. I had the love of my life waiting for me at home. He greeted me everyday with a smile. He made me happy. I didn't love myself or care what happened to me before I had him. He loved me. "But people love you too! Your friends, your family!" It's not the same. I hold everyone at arms length. Everyone. The only shoulder I've every cried on and trusted wholeheartedly was Jinxx. Was Barbie. Was Bobby. Was Handsome. (All previous pets.) I've been lonely for two years and I find myself back at square one.

I'm tired of being alone.

I share this today not as a cry for help, but so that you might understand my "obsession" with all the animal videos. My heart hurts when I see them. I have a physical pain in my chest when I know I can't have just one. Yeah, I'm messy. I'm disorganized. But that doesn't mean I'm incapable of giving one the love and attention it needs. That doesn't mean I can't take care of one.

I'm not asking for anyone to, you know, give me a cat or whatever. I only want you to understand what I mean when I say "I want one."

I'm depressed and in pain and the last time I haven't felt this way (that I remember) was wen I had Jinxx. I don't talk about it because I can never articulate how I feel. Because I don't know how I feel. I never know. I only know I'm in pain. I have problems. But because I'm young and "others have it worse than you" IM SUDDENLY NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE PROBLEMS.

I want a pet because I've never felt more alone in my life than I do right now.