A directioner's diary.....

15

Dear first love, 

                             They say you dream of someone whom you are constantly missing. I may have missed you so much internally but I was unaware of it. I saw you in my dreams yesterday. That's the thing about dreams it is fantasy but it feels so real, way too real. You were singing in a room I don't know where did I come from but I just did. I was shocked to see you there, of course. I step forward to reach you. "Can I hug you?" I asked. You looked at me with those coffee brown eyes of yours. Still singing. I don't remember the song tho. I was in no state of mind to remember that. You hugged me of course. No camera mattered to me that time. I didn't think of anything else. It was you who mattered to me the most at that time. Thousand of thoughts and feeling but I had the courage to open my mouth.

 " You are my first love," I whispered in your ear. What you did next surprised me you kissed my forehead. Oh! that moment. I felt like I was in heaven. I could no longer speak then. I stood there unless I saw you disappear from there. 

It was strange to see what I saw last night. Cause whenever I dream of the boys in the past you always ran. You were important to me I always searched for you but then you either go to Perrie or you just disappear I then would forget you for a while, between Niall's sweetness ,Harry's stupidity , Liam's smile and Louis's sassines, unless I used to wake up sad, thinking the dream might be an indication to me that at the end of the day you are someone else's. You can never be mine. But then the boy's hug used to feel so real that it would cover my sadness.

But last night you shocked me. Maybe I dream that because that time we thought you to be the 'shy one' and now you are confident to stand alone yourself. If that's it then after almost three years of you separating I am actually liking it. *winks

Where are you now? Hope you are healthy and happy. I think I am not suppose to ask you this. Cause I am not one of your zquad. And I am not planing to be either. I miss you so much today. No news of you is coming nowadays just like you want it to be. I am happy for you. Whatever you do wherever you go. I wish you all the best for every step you take in your life. I will root for you silently.  But thinking I loved the imaginary guy and you are not the one I fell for wants me to leave you. I have no guts to leave you I am not that strong.How can I even you taught me to fall in love. You taught me that there is a light of love inside me too. You taught me to fall in the smallest things which mattered the biggest. Like that muscles at the side of your eyes that comes together every time you laughed. Past tense cause I don't know if they still do. WAIT. I don't know, do they still do? yes, I haven't seen you laugh for almost three years now. I didn't even notice. I was mad. Now this is making me more mad. 

I miss it. I miss that innocent shy boy from one direction. Not that I want you back believe me I won't. That boy whose rare tweets would light up my day. Because of whom I didn't have problem on valentine day. Because of whom I felt loved and knew to share it too. Who flattered my heart and gave butterflies to me. Looking at whom my heart raced at the speed where one could have won gold in Olympics. I am grateful. I am grateful for everything. 

I am stopping here before its becomes too heavy that I end up crying. I want to keep touching my forehead and be happy. It was a moment which was too real to be a dream.

                                                                                                                                                    Yours forever,

                                                                                                                                                     not a zqaud but a 

                                                                                                                                                     Zayn's girl