My so called easy life

Tomorrow

"Kellie..... The day you told me you were moving, remember how I hung up because Kellie called?" I ask. We sit up comfortably and look at each other while I talk.

"Yea. And?" He ask worried because he knows something happened.

"She-her...it wasn't Kellie." I say and every time I say her name my chest tightens and a picture of her pops into mind; smiling and I want to smile back, I want to smile back, hoping it will bring her smile back to me... But it won't and I fucking hate every second of it.

"Wh-what happened?" He asks while rest his arms on his legs looking pitiful and worried. He got to talk to her while I was on the phone with him.... They got along quite well.

"She-she- she d-died.." I say and stare at the bed. I try to block my emotions but something tells me Blake won't let me. I pause for a minute and everything hits me. I scoot back and get off his bed. I stand and step back till I feel the wall hit my back.

"She-K-kellie is g-gone." I feel that feeling I get every time I get flashbacks. It feels like a rake is clawing at me. Images flash through my head. Pain rushed through my body. I feel hands touch me and I swing away with my eyes shut tight. I shake and hold my hands to my ears. It's all coming back. This hasn't happened in 2 years. And a lot has happened since then. I cry with my eyes squeezed shut. Trying to making all stop. But it doesn't.

I sit and bring my legs to my chest. I see images of the men who raped me. The feeling of the hands who hit me. The memories of the ones I lost. It's all crushing me. It hurts to the level of physical pain, I cry out, begging for it to stop. And it still doesn't. It's like I'm the target the arrows fall into.

I shake and am still covering my eyes. I start to shake my head as I start to feel everything happen to me.

I take my hands off my ears but don't hear anything. I keep my eyes shut and dig my nails into my arms. I start to calm and the flashes stop. I don't feel anyone hitting me. I don't feel them. I don't see them but I don't stop shaking. It is just a calmer shake I guess.

I move my hand and slowly open my eyes to see I'm still in the corner but curled on Blake's lap. I look at my arm and see the marks my nails left. Scratches and nail marks. But it doesn't hurt. Everyone says I hurt myself. But I'm pretty pain resistant. It just calms my nerves which very few people seem to understand. 

"Shhhh.... It's okay. I'm here now. They can't get you." Blake whispers into my ear now that I can hear him. I'm not sure how long he's been holding me or whispering to me. But it's working and I calm a little. Letting myself fall into him as I try to calm my breathing. The first break down I have had in two years. But the first one I didn't go through locked away in my room, blocking anyone willing to help.

"I-I-I'm al-alright Blake." I say into his shirt.

"I know. But you still need to know that." He says and kissed the top of my head.

"Thanks. Love you Blake." He knows what I mean.

"I love you too. I got you okay? I just want you to know that." He says an pulls his head back to look me in the eyes and I just nod.

"Look, tonight I need Aiden to be happy. I need tonight to be his relax/release night. I don't care if it's shitty for me. As long as my twin brother is happy. I'm Ha-survivable. I know that tomorrow I will be silent and shit. But today is for Aiden. I don't care about me anymore. I haven't for a while. So promise me. I need you to promise to leave this till tomorrow. Please?" I say looking him in the eye holding the chest of his shirt still. 

He nods, "Anything." He whispers and I rest my head on his shoulder.

"Thank you. Do you have a hoodie I can use? I can't go home and worry Aiden." I say looking and my bloody forearms. I stand and get ready for what ever Blake needs to say like he always does when I 'hurt' myself.

"Antoinette? Really? Again?" He asks picking my arm up.

"Yes. Just leave it. That's the one thing about me you don't understand so just leave it." I say pull my arm away. I look down and see some blood on my tank top. Shit. I walk away and go to his bathroom. I walk in and wash my arm off silently thinking to myself.

I look in the mirror and then splash my face off quickly then dry it with my hand. I look down and just take the muscle tank top off. I use it to dry my arm and stop the bleeding. I walk out and once it stops, I take it off my arm and look up.

Blake wipes his face with his hands really quick and starts to look through a box that says 'HOODIES' with a red heart drawn on and I smile a little.

I just walk over and pull him to stand by his shoulder. He stands and I can see he was crying. I just hug him.

"We are talking tomorrow. You hear me?" I ask him and he only chuckles into my bare shoulder and nods.

"Here." He pulls out a random black hoodie and tosses it to me.

I open it up see it is the one I sent him last year for his birthday and laugh when I see it. The back says 'Weirdo' and it is filled with random doodles and colorful shit then the front just has a painting of a phone in the center then around it is a bunch of inside jokes in smaller paint.

"You still have this?" I ask and laugh a little. He laughs too and nods.

"Still where it too." He says and takes it back, takes his zip- up off to put it on.

I smile and look at him, "Oh yea! You need one!" He says and turns to grab his blue hoodie with a superman symbol on the front and the back says, ' #1 always"

I grab it and slide it on quickly.

"What do you want to do to kill time? We don't have to go to the lodge for another 2 hours." I say as I pull my phone out of my pants pocket to check the time.

"Unpack my basic stuff. Like art stuff. Speakers. Blankets and stuff. I'll just deal with cloths, hoodies, shoes and games tomorrow." He say making weird gestures with his hand.

"K. Until we find your speaker. I'm gonna play my music." I say then pull my phone out.

I just push play and we start to go through boxes as the song 'Black Dahlia by Hollywood Undead' plays.
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Tell me what you think. Sorry it's been a while.