Double Sided Mirror (On hold)

7. Guilt

Would I see her again? Could I have done anything to help her? Why did that man start to sew her eye shut? Why did he have her eye? Why did he have Sara? I could’ve done something. This is entirely my fault! I should be the one there suffering, not Sara. They wanted me! ME! 

Guilt. Sadness. Loss. Fear. All of them pulsed through my veins with every beat of my heart. With every breath of oxygen I provided for it. I didn't deserve to be here. If they cut her once, it was a cut 1 thousand times deeper in me, mentally and I knew I would make up for it physically. I still had my left over knife from when mom and dad left. How I thought they left Sara and I because of me. Because of all those weird things I could do then. The things I could see then. I use to cut but stopped with the help of Sara, Angel and his mom. We couldn't go to a real therapist because then they would learn that my parents weren't with us and question Sara. We didn't need that trouble. Sara....

They were using her as bait to get me. They wanted me, so she suffered. I didn't deserve to be here. I didn't deserve to live. If I were dead they would return her. Sara would be safe and unscratched. What's the point of bait when you didn't have the catch anywhere near? She wouldn't suffer without me here. 

This was my normal way of thinking. It seemed to make sense in my head. I might have learned how to stop the cutting but that didn't rewire my mind. My life wasn't precious and with it gone, before now, there wouldn't be a difference in the world. Now it would make it better. My life wasn't worth anything to be needed around. I didn't and don't even deserve to live. 

"Stop it Hazel." Angelo demanded, burning his stare at the side of my head. I only stared at my hands. 

"S-stop, what?" I croaked out. 

"I know what you are thinking about. No cutting. You don't need it and your life is much more precious then you think. It wouldn't fix anything if you were gone. It wouldn't bring Sara back or them back." I don't know when it started but nobody would address my parents as mom and dad; just them. Angelo reached forward and pulled my hand away from my wrist. I didn't realize I was slowly scratching. "This isn't the way to deal with it." I pulled my hand back and held them tightly together over my heart like I was taught by Angelo's mom.  It was supposed to remind you something, but currently I couldn't remember.

I looked up at Angelo furious. He didn't let me in there to help Sara and now he won't even let me relieve the guilt. The pain. He didn't let me blame myself. "How do you know how to deal with my problems? You do not live in my head Angelo! I am the one suffering. I am the guilty party and now you made it worse by pulling me out! How do you know I couldn't have done anything in there to save her! You didn't see her. She looked so small! So scared! Why did you pull me out?" I screamed. Angelo looked taken back but still held the worry in his eyes. He wasn't touched by blood so I expect he was outside. He didn't see what I saw. The image that will haunt me, knowing I cause it. Knowing it was my fault she was there first. 

A broken vase sat behind us. A coloured glass shard was in Dmitri's hand. His arm was splattered with blood. Sara's. This was Dmitri's fault too. He was the one who got my hand free. "And you! What make you think you can pull me out too! Angelo might have been worried for me; I get it I am his girlfriend, but you! You were just being selfish, huh! You just want to see me suffer more so you feel better about yourself! No wonder people thought you were strange! You deserved to be made fun of! Bullied!" I truly didn't think any of this. I was just rambling on, upset. I knew it was my fault in the first place but I was just... angry. Guilty. The guilt was eating me alive. I covered my mouth shocked with my out burst. Regretting it.

I didn't believe what I was saying to him, because I meant it towards myself. I was talking about myself but Dmitri didn't know that. I was the one who deserved anything bad. "You stupid b- ... girl. Thanks for letting me know I can open up to you!" his eyes were full of hurt and pain. Dmitri didn't carry the least bit of anger I thought he would have after what I said. The anger would have been easier to deal with.