We Were Blue // Completed

Epilogue//

"Perhaps that is where our choice lies -- in determining how we will meet the inevitable end of things, and how we will greet each new beginning."

-Elana K. Arnold

* * *

5 months later...

The warm air blows my hair over my shoulder, it's warmer today than it usually is this time of year. I point my face up to the sky and bathe in the sunlight, welcoming the rays as they splash across my skin sending delicious goose bumps down my spine. My tassel dances with the wind, the small strings becoming scattered. 

Reaching up, I smooth it out as I stare at the bleachers beginning to fill with proud parents and family members. My mother's not here, she's not coming but I can't say I'm all that surprised, if anything I'd be surprised if she did show up. 

Graduation's supposed to be my safe haven, a happy day and start to my new life but I can't help but feel empty despite my best efforts to ignore the nagging hollowness at the pit of my stomach. All I can think about is how Damon's supposed to be here too, that he should be walking across the stage this afternoon like the rest of our class. 

It tears me apart, there's a piece of me missing since that night and I don't know if I'll ever retrieve it. Alexis glances over at me, her features pinching in concern as she notices my expression. I never told her what happened last December, not the true horror of it and especially not the fact it's my fault Damon's not here. I was supposed to be the victim of that bullet, not him and it haunts me every single night. If only he hadn't jumped in front of me. 

The rows of seats are filling with eager students, but two empty spots in particular cause my heart to drop: The Caldwell twins chairs. They reserved one for Damon, as a sort of memorial I suppose, but every time I glance at it my heart aches painfully. As for Roman he's not coming either, he fled town after our last final. He's off to face his demons or maybe he's running from them, I can't tell anymore. 

After the accident we stopped talking, hell he's barely even looked in my direction over the last five months. Maybe I remind him of his other half that he lost, cause he sure as hell reminds me of Damon. I can't look at Roman without seeing the betrayal in Damon's eyes, without watching him die all over again. 

I was urged to go to therapy after everything happened, at first I thought it was total bullshit, and still somewhat do. I went through about ten different people before I found the right one for me, as they say finding the right therapist is kind of like finding the right girlfriend or boyfriend- it takes a couple of tries. 

Misty, aka my shrink, begs me not to blame myself for everything, she tells me there's nothing I could have done. But I know the truth, if I would have just given myself up and surrendered, that bullet wouldn't have gone through his chest and cause him to bleed out in my arms. Maybe if I had been smarter and gone to the police or something, things would be different. 

The world's a bit darker without him in my life, and the sun doesn't seem to shine as bright. Even on the good days, I feel completely lost and isolated from the rest of the universe, and the one person that might understand is probably half way across the world by now. 

Despite the lacking presence of their sons, Mr and Mrs. Caldwell still showed up to our graduation. I glance up to we're their seated in the stands and Mrs. Caldwell shoots me a friendly smile. I return the gesture but I know it doesn't quite reach my eyes, every time I look at her I'm reminded of that day of the funeral.

It was a foggy afternoon, an overcast with grey clouds and bitter winds that slapped my skin harshly. I had barely eaten in days, barely gotten up from the comfort of my bed, but I knew I had to be there. With every step closer to the gravesite my stomach lurched with an nasty desire to spill whatever I had left in my stomach out onto the grass. 

When I caught view of the family I barely recognized their mom, her grey irises were dull and almost dead looking. Bags hung under her eyes, and not a single drop of makeup painted her naturally beautiful face. She was a grieving mother and I couldn't get it out of my head that it was all my fault she had to go through it.

I turn away from her now, she looks much better then she did that afternoon. Briefly I wonder how she's handling it, if she's become an insomniac like I have, if he appears in her dreams every time she closes her eyes. 

Nothing helps the pain I feel at every given moment, every minute, every second of the day. Instead it gyrates in my soul, eating me away until one day I'm afraid I'll only be a shell of the girl I used to be. 

I never knew what it felt to lose somebody until the moment he took his last breath. Nothing compares to losing someone you love, not even the abuse from my mother or the absence of my birth father, those are simply scrapes compared to the agony of losing Damon.

I take my seat and zone out as the ceremony begins. I think about where my life was a year ago, and how drastically it has changed. It's true what they say- a year can do a lot of things, for better or for worse, time transfigures everything. I pick at my nail polish, watching as the chips fall to the grass and disappear.

A rough voice rumbles from the front and my heart jumps in my chest, he sounds so much like Roman but when I glance up I realize it's just another nameless face in my graduating class. I wonder how long it takes to overcome heartbreak, to overcome the loss of someone, or if it never truly goes away and instead becomes a part of your identity.

I'm betting on the latter rather than the former. Before I know it names are being called, and this is it, the end of a chapter, the end of a part of my life that maybe it would be best to just forget. "Felicity Reynolds." I stand, tittering in my high heels as I stride up the steps and take the rolled up piece of paper from the man. 

Giving a ghost of a smile, I shake his hand and just like that it's over. We spend so much time thinking of these moments, colossal moments that change our lives yet sometimes it never feels as important when we're actually living them. 

I inhale deeply as I walk back to my seat, my lungs filling with fresh air and for the first time in months I actually feel like I can breathe. I don't know where I'm going and I sure as hell have no idea how I'm going to get there, but if I can survive the boy I love dying in my arms I'm not too worried about what my future may hold. 

The end.

Author's Note:

Anddddd that's a wrap!! Im not crying, you're crying fuck. I've been with these characters for like three years and they're my babies and now a part of me is honestly broken, but it's okay, I'm okay (THATS A LIE)

Anyway I hope you enjoyed this book as much as I did writing it, thank you for everybody that has supported me you guys are the real MVPs and honestly mean the absolute world to me.

Love you guys. xx