Living Silently

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"Austin"

He was still scrolling as I lay beside him not knowing what to say to him.

"Baby can you even do that, is it ethical or even, legal," I ask fumbling for a question.

"Yes, I can it happens all the time. If you have a problem with me trying to get a child I won't hold it against you. I'm not going to beg you to stay and it doesn't make you a bad person if you can't deal with this," he said in this distant voice that I hadn't heard from him in a while.

"Baby look at me," I said pulling his face from his phone and putting it in my direction.

"I never said anything about leaving you. I need time to process this though. You're talking about trying to Foster a kid. I have no problem with kids, and I've always imagined having a whole bunch of little Robinson's running around one day, but we're still learning about each other... It's a lot to take in," I said to him, and he nodded.

"He needs a real home like I needed one. Like JoJo needed one and maybe if Chloe had one she wouldn't have gone through what she went through," he said to me, and a feeling of dread went through my body.

"What happened to Chloe," I asked him.

"That's not for me to tell but it changed her for a long time she didn't smile...none of us did," he said looking at me, but I knew that his mind was far away. I took his phone out of his hand and placed it on the side of me the pulled him into a secure hold.

"Why don't you ever talk about your childhood with me," I asked him.

"Because it's not something I like to think back to. I don't even think about those things with my self-let alone pour out my soul to others."

"Please, Noel Abel Smith let me in. I want to know about you, so I know how to help you. I keep moving in the dark trying to make sure you're good, but with this, I need some help, some guidance," I said my lips just inches from his. He looked at me with puffy red eyes and let out a haggard breath

"My parents were both drunk when they drove me home that night. They liked to drink a lot, and it was the day before my fifth birthday so about twenty-two years ago at this point. All I remember about my parents were that their breath always smelled weird. Never like toothpaste, but alcohol or cigarettes and their clothes smelled like a lot of weed. They were young and pretty; my mom was fifteen when she had me. Her mom kicked her out since she had a child before she was married. My dad was seventeen when I was born his parents weren't contactable when they were looking for a next of kin. They both worked as bartenders and would have me behind the bar during work hours and told me not to drink anything that wasn't from the soda fountain. They were flawed, but I remember that they would always be hugging and laughing. Young, dumb and reckless was what they were. On that night they had celebrated my dad's promotion to manager a the strip club her worked at in Richmond I believe. Since he had to close nobody was there to stop him or my mom from putting me in the car and attempting to drive home with a blood alcohol level of 1.87. They drove through a red light only three minutes into the drive and got hit by a pickup truck going 89 miles per hour. The only thing I remember was my mom screaming and glass shattering before I woke up in the hospital with a brown skin lady with violet colored hair standing there wearing an expression of pity that I had never experienced before. I then got put into a home where I met my brother and sister. We never seemed to be the right fit for a foster home and got kicked out of everyone until we started turning eighteen and graduating," his voice was even as if he was reading off a book instead of telling me his personal life story.

"Oh Noel," I didn't have any word I just rubbed the side of his body. He was so quiet in my arms as if he was mentally reliving the events. I didn't know how to make him feel better other than holding him and show him that I was here for him physically and emotionally. Slowly his body began to relax un my arms until he fell asleep. I just looked down at him counting his breath until the door opened and Chloe peeped in.

"Is he okay," she whispered just loud enough for me to hear her.

"Yeah are you," I asked her knowing how worried she was when she called me.

"Yeah as long as he is. You guys look good together...you take good care of him so thank you," she said to me before she shut the door. I couldn't help but think of what she had gone through as a ward of the state. A short, pretty Asian girl who wasn't very strong..the thoughts running through my head were not pleasant, and I didn't want to dwell on the possibilities. This family had gone through a lot and managed to stay together and healthy. After a while, I finally fell asleep and woke up in the dimly lit room. I moved my hands around trying not to wake the still sleeping Noel and found where I had put his phone earlier. He had told me his code a few weeks ago, but it still took me three tries to get into the real estate page he was looking at. I started scrolling through the apartments and few homes he had added to his favorite and ruled out some of them that had wording which led me to believe that something was wrong with the place. Antique meant old with renovation needs, and Cute meant too small for a family.

"What are you doing," I heard Noel ask me. I liked him, but his just woken up face and breath weren't that great.

"I'm looking for a home for you. See this apartment has a doorman and I'm guessing your income based on your previous searches. Its two bedrooms with two bathrooms with gym access. Also, the school district is good, and it doesn't hurt that it's closer to my pace," I told him.

"Why are you doing that," he asked me.

"Becuase I care about you and the things you care about so I'm trying to make an effort," I said to him,"Now for the love of god I need you to brush your teeth baby," I laughed. He smirked at me before pushing my head.

"Your breath doesn't smell like lemons just so that you know. Anyway you have to be to work soon, and I need to go tell Dr.Helman that I will be taking that school opportunity," he said as he got up still in his scrubs walking into the bathroom. A few seconds later I heard the shower turn on and smiled. I was falling in love with Noel in a way I had never been before it was scary and strange but it was also the most beautiful feeling ever.