Living Silently

Prep

"Noel"

Dr.Helman was so excited when I came into the hospital to tell him that I would accept the school offer that he gave me a paid week off. Instead of going back home like most would I went to Amar's room and started up a connect four tournament. A little-known fact about pediatrics is that you didn't have to let them win if they had been in and out of hospitals for a while. Most of them were master board game plays and Amar wasn't an exception. He had beaten me six games in a row. Playing against him I wondered if I should tell him the plan, but as the day began to close I remembered how much disappointment it caused me when a family couldn't accept me due to small errors in paperwork. I didn't want him to get the idea of not bouncing around from home to get fixed in his mind. He was still fragile from the news about his mom and would begin crying every now and then.

"Well I heard the good news Dr.Smith," Dr. Haudeck's voice said from behind me.

"Yeah," I replied with low energy.

"What are you doing in here the caseworker will be coming to get him when he's squared away."

"Emotional support is a nurse's job. I'm not a doctor yet and even when I do have an MD attached to my name I'll do things like this," I said as my back was still turned to him not anywhere near the mood to tolerate him trying to speak to me.

"I think that was one of your interns smiling you must be getting soft," I said as one of the light blue scrub wearing interns walked passed the door catching my attention. That was all he need to distract himself. I just heard him tell the unlucky pair to stop before I tuned him out and turned back to Amar.

"Hey, its time for a nap. I'm going home early and will be back tomorrow and we can play Jenga okay," I said and he began to pout.

"Hey don't scrunch your face up like that before it gets stuck," I said and he relaxed a little, " You have to rest so you can get better."

"Okay," he said and placed his head on the bed which I let down a little so he could be comfortable. It didn't take much for him to fall asleep since his body was doing its best to recuperate with the chemotherapy and surgery. When he was fully out cold I grabbed my stuff off the floor and left not really knowing what to do with my free time. I had to apply to school but that wouldn't take too long since I had already written an essay when I originally wanted to go back to school. At a red light I picked up my phone and texted Austin to see if he was okay, he responded saying that he was home so I decided to see what he was doing. His part of town was a little sketchy so I made sure to lock my car before I made my way up the stairs to his studio apartment. I knocked then made sure my scrubs looked as good as possible hoping that I had left enough clothes to completely change once inside.

"Who is it," Austin said from behind the door.

"Noel," I said cringing when my voice cracked. The door opened immediately and he pulled me into a hug closing the door behind me. His eyes were red and his clothes were wrinkled but I still thought he looked handsome.

"Why didn't you say you were coming over," he asked me as I looked around noticing a trail of flashcards throughout the apartment.

"I decided on a whim. Why are there note cards on the floor," I asked him noticing the smell of coffee on his breath. I graduate next week then the bar the week after that so I'm studying. These are every single note card I've ever made. I start with the first one and keep going until I miss one and have to restart from the beginning. I've made it to the last twenty so far, this is how my mom would make me study for my science classes and at the end, I'd get a bowl of rice crispies with a ton of sugar."

"Why didn't you tell me that you were going to graduate so soon," I asked him still in his arms.

"Not going, I will celebrate after I pass my exam, All this hard work would be for nothing if I bomb this test," he said to me finally letting me down.

"Well at least let me help you," I told him picking up a card that had a blue ring stain probably from a beverage.

"Don't you have stuff you have to do," he asked me.

"I got the week off to start applying to school but that can be done in just a few hours...I'm not good at this so could you stop making it hard for me to help you."

He looked down at me before smiling then pulling me into a kiss," How was Amar?"

"He's as fine as he can be. I don't think he really gets it yet but he's stable," I replied to him.

"That's good how's the foster care application coming?"

"It's going well I found a program to expedite the process of fostering medical patients who have been orphaned while receiving care. It can take about a month with the program normally it would be three times that time. I put your name down as a nonfamilial advocate" I told him while reading the question on the card not even knowing where to start.

"That's good with me. You have some clothes here if you want to change I cleared out one of the drawers on the top row for your stuff. I'm in the mood for pizza so I'll call one of the places that left a menu in my door and then we can get to studying. thanks for agreeing to help," he said then kissed me again before I walked into the bedroom which was only separated from the rest of the place by a single arched wall. As I was walking away he must have thought that I was out of earshot because I heard him say lowly "I love you."

My heart began to race at hearing those words but I managed not to freeze in place and keep walking as if I didn't hear him not knowing what to say back to that. I liked him a lot, he made me feel comfortable, happy, safe. I didn't like spending time away from him and genuinely couldn't see my life without him in it anymore but it had only been four months so it couldn't be love I said to myself. Deciding that comment wasn't for me to hear I let it go and went to get dressed doing my best to try to untangle all the thoughts going through my head.