Proofreading an instruction manual for a hospital ventilator, I did a double take when I came across this questionable troubleshooting tip: "If the problem persists, replace patient immediately."
At the dentist’s office for oral surgery, I was handed a couple of forms to fill out. As I signed the first one, I joked with the receptionist: "Does this say that even if you pull my head completely off, I can’t sue you?"
"No, that’s the next sheet," she said. "This one says you still have to pay us."
Prior to his biopsy, a patient confessed to a fellow nurse just how nervous he was. "Don’t worry," the nurse assured him. "You’re just having a little autopsy."
A harried man runs into his physician’s office. "Doctor! Doctor! My wife’s in labor! But she keeps screaming, ‘Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, can’t!’"
"Oh, that’s okay," says the doctor. "She’s just having contractions."
Our nephew was getting married to a doctor’s daughter. At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion. But after a particularly long pause, he explained, "I’m sorry. I can’t seem to make out what I’ve written down." Looking out into the audience, he asked, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"
Since maternity patients at the small hospital where I work must travel 50 miles to another hospital for the actual delivery, they often check with us first to verify that they are, indeed, in labor.
One morning, a pregnant woman walked in, and we confirmed that delivery was definitely imminent. So a nurse called her husband at home, getting him out of bed. "Your wife’s about to give birth," she told him. "You need to go to the hospital."
"Okay," he said groggily. "I’ll wake her up and tell her."
To confirm her suspicions, my sister needed to purchase a pregnancy test. Since I was going to the pharmacy, she asked me to pick one up. I didn’t stop to think how I appeared to the clerk when I waddled up—nine months pregnant—to pay for the kit.
"Honey," she said, "I can save you $15 right now. You’re definitely going to have a baby."
