Draco's Secret - Drarry Fanfic

Chapter Ten

Seven Days Until Initiation
Draco's POV

It is now Wednesday, exactly one week until my initiation date. I'm lying in bed and I can feel myself shake from the realization that the day keeps edging nearer and nearer. It terrifies me. I don't want to become a Death Eater. But I must, I'm a Malfoy after all. I have to be able to handle it as well.

I climbed out of my bed and got into my uniform. As I was tying my tie I thought of when Thana grabbed on it yesterday.

She was so rough. So unhinged. She was going to be a problem.

I truly don't have the motivation to fix any problems right now though. I had too many other things to worry about. Like my gay ass crush on Harry, Pansy and I's dramatic friend break-up, and the worst of all, the initiation. I'm not even sure what I will have to do to go through with it. But I know that whatever it is, it won't be pretty.

I have so many regrets. Especially Pansy. I wish I could just go back and fix what I did. I miss her. A lot. It has got to be the most complicated emotion I have ever felt, I feel sadness and anger, of course. But on a whole new medium. It's as if all I have left is sadness and anger and there is no way for me to express it healthily. I also feel betrayed, because she sided with Thana. It's as if she controls my mind and therefore she controls my thoughts, and therefore she controls my actions. I can run but I can't hide. She is constantly bothering me.

I grabbed the knife from my bag and I slit into my flesh for the first time in a while. It hurt, but there was comfort in the familiar. And it was definitely familiar. I missed the sting even though it repulsed me. It damaged my skin, but I longed for the familiar. I gladly take in the virus of mental illness. As all who are ill do.

The blood was sliding out of the single, tender cut I made. It was so dark and so red. I used my other hand and I whipped it away. The contact burned. My right hand was smeared with blood and my left arm had a fresh but driedcut on it.

I slipped the knife into the pocket of my robe and pulled the sleeves down. I turned on my disposition, retired to my classic look of fixed confidence, and strode out the door all the way to the great hall.

Upon entering the great hall I looked for Harry, and found him waiting for me near the Hufflepuff table.

I walked up to him and grabbed his arm abruptly, "I'm eating today. A full meal. You go to the Gryfinndor table and I'll be at Slytherin. After we both finish we will then go to the library. If you don't believe I will actually eat, then sit somewhere you can essily see me, and watch me do so."

I turned away from him before giving him any chance to reply and sat down at my table. Familiarity, that's what I was going for. I am familiar with being the overly confident, aggressive, and hostile Slytherin rival of Harry Potter. And in an attempt to hold onto the last bit of my sanity, I will revert back to that, all except the rivalry part. I could never give up Harry.

I sat at that table for a few minutes, overthinking the consequences of this meal. Do consequences even matter anymore? Did they ever matter to begin with? I was never found as the victim of my own consequences.

And with that I picked up the largest turkey leg I saw at the table and took multiple bites out of it. If I could see myself, I'm sure I would have looked like a sort of beast. I was ravaged and starving. I messily went through various pieces of chicken, ham, turkey, and even two apples. I ate the sum total of my last three weeks all together. But I have no regrets. If I want to eat my feelings, you're going to fucking let me.

Harry's POV

I am walking to the library with Draco and I'm still shocked by Draco's behavior. It was very different, but at least he was eating. I am so proud that he is eating. And he ate a lot to. A lot. More than I've ever even seen Ron eat.