Oh dear

≫five.

o h d e a r

if the whole world could start spinning faster than it already were, then i'm sure i was safe in refuge in the pace of the odd wind.

but this time, the world hated me and my thoughts, so it slowed down. i chanted some songs in my mind, pleading the universe to come rescue me.

but no one can ever rescue you from yourself, correct?

painted red walls, covered with red sharpie writings. the walls of my own encouragement. what if, i knew that those encouragements mean nothing anymore?

with the doubtful yet tempting blade at the side of my hand, ready to strike another cut that would make me think i could forget.

don't you just ever think that by causing yourself pain, everything will end quickly just like that?

maybe suicidals are little angels that want to go back home.

the truth about self-harm, the truth about suicide, is as hot as the bread from the oven. it seems crunchy and delicious, until you know its molden.

nothing can be dealt with hurting. why not do something? you want to overcome the monsters lurking inside you, fight them!

have you ever even realised that someday, no one will care and no one will come. but that someday never existed because the world is too big not to care.

"no, there are too many problems to waste your time caring, avery."

but you were right. so that was just another way of saying, no one really cared at all. wasn't it gabriel?

when i ran out of school, in the hallways i've passed, where people circled around some fiasco. i wouldn't be surprised if it were you, punching the heck out of your bestfriend.

but it wasn't you.

why did it ever shock me that you weren't fighting, because instead, it was her and your bestfriend. they weren't fighting in a physical manner, but i could see that big red slap on his face.

turns out, they had more than making out. so tell me, gabriel? what ever did you feel? why did you catch my eye and grabbed my wrist, telling me to go with you? why? what happened to not caring.

you ran a hand through the blood stain cuts i had, i shivered. you weren't meant to know, loverboy, because little did you even have knowlegde that these cuts started with you.

"the hell is this avery?"

i shrugged, not bothering. "it's a bruise, i fell."

your eyes seemed to look right through me, because next thing i know, your big arms covered my waist and brought me to your chest.

dear, your smell was intoxicating. now i can see a whole new world, what lucky girls of yours can have. is this what it is like to be on heaven?

"why are you doing this to yourself, avery?"

why did you sound like you cared? your voice, a lower octave with a bit of a sad smile in trace. i thought no one cared, mother and father are gone under the business of work.

why do you care mr. loverboy? whatever happened to your insults and remarks?

i knew. ha.

thought i never seen it in the corner of my eye? what are you trying to play, gabe? what are you trying to prove? who are you trying to impress?

because this moment seemed to scripted and posed like a last minute decision of making someone jealous when they come in. that's right, she saw us with her teary-stained face.

so it's all a game, huh gabriel?

i'm wondering though, why can't three play the game of love? let's play, let's text, let's kiss and hug, let's hang out and the first one who falls inlove loses.

maybe after all the sadness and all the cutting i've been through, i realized i've gone mad.

dear, oh, what did i ever do to you?

Yours Forever,

The girl who knew.