A Bride For Us

Winter

There were nights, when darkness reigned and silence prevailed, nights when she laid with her ears pressed to his chest as she listened to the slow pounding of his heart. There were nights his kisses felt like tiny burns, engraving themselves on her skin. There were nights she watched him sleep, his arms wrapped around her as she watched the rising and dropping of his chest in reflection of his steady breathing. There were nights she felt love, not the one she had once shared with her parents, but the one she knew existed between a man and a woman. Those were the nights she truly believed him to be in love with her but most of all, those were the nights she truly believed herself to be in love with him.

She would convince herself in the stillness and darkness and insomnia, that their marriage wasn't simply built on the physical. That when he kissed her, pulled her against himself, claimed her as his wife, he wasn't doing so out of a sense of duty or lust.

But then, the day would break and she would be rudely awakened. She would be forced out of her fantasy world and would be faced with the reality of who Raymond was; a man in need of a mother for his children. He was more willing to give his children to her than he was willing to give himself to her.

She understood his grief. The part of her that understood his grief over the loss of his wife, was the part that was willing to be patient. That was the part that made excuses when he brushed her off, when he spoke rudely, when he was distant. That was the part that was willing to give her body and perhaps her heart, to him.

Slowly, Lily was beginning to acquaint herself with Raymond's behavior. She was learning to cope as well by busying herself with the children and the household chores. She cooked meals, sewed, mended, knitted, attended to the garden and begun teaching the children -excluding Milly- how to read. Every noon time, they had lessons. It was shocking to find how little they actually knew, but exciting to find they were fast learners.

She was so busy, she failed to notice the changes that would soon change the course of her life.

When Autumn passed and with it every chance to plant, harvest and sell off the produce, Winter came swiftly. The inhabitants of the McAllister farm were forced to spend their time indoors and while Lily thought the winter and the Christmas season would bring the family together, she found Raymond to be even less tolerable and restless. Working on the farm was his way of escape and as the days progressed, she found that he was desperate to escape his family.

It wasn't Raymond's attitude that bothered her however, it was her own restlessness and fatigue even when her chores had been cut down tremendously because of the snow. With so little to do, she began to notice those changes she had failed to notice in the past and when she did finally realize what it meant, she became terribly nervous.

She couldn't be certain, she scolded herself even as days turned into weeks. And when she became certain, she sought for the best place and time to break the news to Raymond.

The time didn't come until two weeks later. She was lying in bed, having retired early, and fighting a headache. Her skin was warm as well and she knew it was a small sign of a fever that was most likely going to get worse if she didn't treat it.

The bedroom door was pushed open. Turning to her side, she found Raymond making his way into the room. The fire in the hearth was burning, but the room was still a little dark and she knew Raymond couldn't tell that she was awake. She watched him strip of every piece of clothing, before climbing into bed beside her and pulling the covers over himself. When his hand made contact with her arm, a small hiss escaped his lips.

"You're burning up!" He said, jerking upright and turning fully to her. The covers had fallen loosely to his waist. He reached down and touched her head. "You're sick." He murmured, his face crumbling into a frown.

She nodded weakly. He pulled her into his arms, wrapped his arms around her and planted a kiss on her head. Her heart skipped a beat as she leaned into him.

"It is nothing." She sighed.

"I will bring Michael." He grumbled, tightening his hold around her. "I do not like him, but I will bring him to the farm tomorrow."

"It is too dangerous to even try to go anywhere in this snow." She kissed his chest and when she lifted her head, he kissed her lips. "Ray?" She glanced down.

"Hm?"

He seemed different, she thought. He always seemed different when they were in the confines of their bedroom. He seemed willing to love her here, in the darkness, as if afraid to love her in the day time.

"I'm pregnant." She finally said.

When he didn't speak, she lifted her head up to make certain he was still there. He was. For a while, he sat looking shocked. His lips were apart and his eyes were bulging. Lily struggled from his hold and resumed her position on the bed next to him. She placed her head on the pillow, the headache seemingly worse.

"Do you know for how long?" Raymond finally spoke, pulling her out of her brief slumber. He had been silent for so long, she had dozed off.

"Perhaps two months." She heard her own tired whisper.

He was silent again, for a longer period. She tried not to think in the short while he was silent. A part of her was disappointed about his reaction, but the majority part was tired.

"It is not too late then." He said.

"What is not too late?"

At first, she didn't hear his response but when she finally did, she was stunned. She tried to open her mouth but in that second, darkness covered her like a blanket.

!!!

Even before Raymond spoke, he knew his words would hurt her. Still, he didn't care. Not for her, but the child; he didn't care for the child.

For Lily, he cared, perhaps too much. He cared enough to need to distance himself from her if he was going to function. But distance wasn't enough to stop his stubborn heart from falling from her. He hadn't even noticed how much he cared for her until she broke the news of her pregnancy. Then, a wave of unspeakable emotions washed over him until he was unable to speak or move for several minutes. It was as he sat still, contemplating the news and his reaction to it, that he realized he was in love with her.

Against his better judgment, against common sense and every oath he had made, he had fallen in love with Lily and with love came an overwhelming feeling of grief as he instantly knew he was losing her.

His next words were borne out of love, passion and fear. Love for the woman who had, against all odds, captured his heart. Passion, a strong desire to have her with him forever. To love her the way he knew and had always known she deserved to be loved. And finally, fear. He was afraid he would lose her. It was a crippling feeling, one that left him numb to her own emotions as he asked, "Do you know for how long?"

He waited patiently for her answer, hoping it would be favorable.

"Perhaps two months."

A soft sigh of relief escaped his lips. "It is not too late then."

"What is not too late?"

She sounded tired, like the little creature that had made a home within her and that was certain to drain her life from within, before finally taking her away from him, had already begun to weaken her.

His fingers clenched into a fist; he wasn't going to lose her. Nothing, no one was taking her away from him!

"An abortion."

She didn't speak after that. He turned to her and saw that her eyes were closed. She must have fallen asleep, he thought. But something about her, told him otherwise. On longer study, he found that she was barely breathing and her skin was pale. It was then that he realized she had fainted.

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