Not Just A Fan

Not Just A Fan - Chapter 19

I woke up early the next morning. I couldn’t really sleep. I mean how could I with everything that was happening? It was about 6 am on a saturday morning. I missed my friends, I missed my life, I missed New Jersey, and mostly I miss Harry. How can I live without him? He’s literally my everything and I’m sitting here on the beach without him. I just keep looking around hoping he will appear and everything will be fine. But it won’t. I know that. Everyone knows that. I know I should try to move on because I’m completely aware this relationship is going no where. The world refuses to let us be together. I felt a tear slip down my cheek. I want him here with me right now, but he’s not here. He’s where ever he needs to be and that place will never be with me. I knew it. I mean how can I even be with him when he was told he’s not allowed to see me? Better yet, why does his management have to be so uptight about this? I know it’s because I’m just a fan, but I’m not. I can’t be just a fan. I mean, yeah I was just a fan a couple months ago, but now, calling me just a fan is terrible. Ughhh I’m getting lost inside my head.. I hated being lost inside my head. It makes me go crazy.

“I knew I could find you out here.” I turned to the sound of Jackson’s voice. Mia and him were walking towards me. My eyes were red and puffy from crying. They sat down on either side of me.

“He’s not worth your tears.” Jackson said giving me a side hug. 

“That’s not why I’m crying.” I said while he held me in his arms. I have a good brother. Most brothers wouldn’t act like this. Tyler and Bobby most definitely wouldn’t I know that for a fact.

“Then why are you crying?” We barely told Jackson anything, I don’t blame him for being confused. I guess it was time to explain it, but I’d try to hide everything a bit longer.

“Why are you guys up so early?” Wow, great way to ignore his question.

“We heard you get up.” Mia chimed in.

“Mia came and got me and said she knew where you’d be going, so we decided after about 15 minutes to follow you, just to see if you’d come back on your own.” Jackson explained. I smiled and hugged my siblings. They were great.

“Ok I guess you’ll need to know the story sooner or later.” I began to explain everything that happened since the trip to New York City.

“Wait, he wants to be with you, but he’s not allowed to.” Jackson asked clarifying exactly what was happening. 

“Yes.” I wasn’t crying anymore.

“That’s stupid.” He declared. “Is he listening to them?” 

“Nope. I told him to, because I don’t want to see him get in trouble but he won’t. He wants to be with me.”

“So why are you sad?” Jackson was confused.

“She’s not allowed to been seen in public with him or see him at all.” Mia was annoyed by Jackson not getting it.

“Oh ok, I get it.” Jackson nodded. “Break the rules.” He smiled. “You break rules all the time.”

“Yeah that’s the only choice.” Mia agreed.

“I guess it’s true.” I nodded. They were right. I was breaking every rule to be with him. I had no other choice if I wanted to be with him right?

We unpacked most of the day. We were able to set up the wifi in the help because Bobby knew exactly how to do it, so I had my laptop on for most of the day. I logged on my twitter. There were a lot of tweets to me and a lot of new followers. Ok no, I mean like thousands of new followers. I had about 60 when I last was online, and now I had over 20,000. I barely ever went on twitter so this was a nice surprise, except for the fact that majority of my mentions were hate. No girls, I’m not a slut because your celebrity crush is dating me. Eh, actually I didn’t read one nice tweet about me. Cool, very cool. Now I remember why I don’t like girls.

“Turn on the TV!” Mia said running into my room. I groaned and handed her my remote. She switched to a channel where one direction was having an interview. Did she ever turn it on just in time. It hurts me to even remember it but I can remember every word said. That’s how much it hurt me.

“So which ones of you are single?” The interviewer asked. Mia looked at me and I held my breathe. Don’t raise your hand Harry. Please don’t listen to management. Well, I wish he could have telepathically listened to me. I now understood why he didn’t tell me he had an interview, because when he raised his hand my heart sunk into my stomach and I could literally feel my heart break into a million pieces. This was worse than management yelling at us. This was not in a hotel room in New York City where only a few of us knew we weren’t allowed to be public. This was on national television that soon would be on Youtube showing all over the world. The only one in the band who expected him to raise his hand was Liam you could tell by the way he looked at the ground. Harry had told me they wanted Liam to be the one to be most responsible in the band because of his maturity level, he was in on it, but by the look on his face he didn’t want to be anymore. You could see the pain in his eyes when he realized what he had just been a part of. Although, the look Niall had given Harry when he saw he wasn’t the only one with his hand raised probably was the saddest. In that moment in time I was basically sure Niall was about to break down crying on this interview. I mean I was just talking to them on the phone the day before. Niall was so happy to know me and Harry were talking and now Harry was claiming to be single. Niall knew though, he knew management put him up to it. Who knows what they threatened him with. Probably a restraining order on me. Yeah, I could imagine that one. So many thoughts were going through my head. The silence int he studio on my television wasn’t the only ear piercing silence. The silence in my room was just as terrible. Mia sat there mouth open, you could tell she wished she didn’t tell me the interview was on. I actually just wished I never set up the television altogether but it was too late now. The interviewer broke the silence.

“”Harry, you’re single?” All the other boys looked at the ground. Everyone was silent. I actually feel lie the whole world went silent for that moment in time. Even every animal in the wild had stopped to hear Harry answer him. I feel like everyone could hear him on every single point of this planet.

“Yeah.” He choked out. I could hear the pain in his voice. I knew there were tears in his eyes. He didn’t want to say it, but he agreed to it. How could he have done that to me? I feel like he literally just broke up with me over an interview on national television. I know some people will think that being broken up with over text is bad, but when about a million people are witnessing your break up instead, I would have preferred a text. A tear slipped from my eye just as a watched Harry quickly wipe a tears from his own eyes. 

“What about that fan?” The interviewer asked. Couldn’t he tell how much this was hurting Harry. “You two seemed pretty in love when cameras caught you two in New York City.” I hated this interviewer. He made everything terrible.

“I never loved her. It was just...just...just...I don’t know. She’s just a friend.” He looked so hurt. I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to die. How could this be happening? My heart hurt. I felt like someone just stabbed me in the chest. Actually, I wish someone did. It probably would have hurt a lot less.

“Well, that’s all the time we have today. Thank you to One Direction for being here today.” There was fake claps added into the interview, you could tell they were fake because they were what you heard on those terrible sitcoms. No one was clapping at this point in time. I still felt like the world stopped turning. Mia hit the off button and we just sat there in silence for a few minutes before she was able to speak.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know he would say that. Maybe that’s why he didn’t say anything about the interview.” She was now crying. I hugged her.

“It’s not your fault. It’s managements, but I can’t believe he agreed to that.” I held her and we both just cried. And to think he was going to sneak out and see me tonight. I don’t think there is one sad, slow love song that is or ever will be written about how I feel. I don’t think anyone else in this world will understand how it feels to be broken up with over a nation wide interview. My phone went off and I grabbed it.

“Can’t wait to see you tonight. <3” Harry had texted me. I cried even harder.