207 Days.

four.

~a.n.

I was listening to 'Whispers' by Passenger when I was typing this and I think it fits this story pretty well. xxx

I couldn't sleep again last night. So I drove. I drove all night long, until I almost ran out of gas actually.

But then I filled up again, and kept going.

I've lost interest in my job. Why go anymore, right? I think it might be different if you were still there with me.

I go home every night though to an empty house; and that house brings memories back that I don't want to think about. Not every night.

Why did you leave me there?

Why not another place?

I hate going into the bedroom. I hate sitting in the living room. Every room in that house fills me with a wave of emotions. A wave that comes over me and drowns me every time.

I look in the passenger seat, the one you use to sit in when we went places, and I see the "overnight" bag I packed. I don't know where I'm going, but I know I won't have much when I get there.

I can't go back though. I'm not. Even if I have to live in my car.. So be it.

After another hour of driving, I park the car on a side street and I get out to walk. I'm sick of sitting right now.

I find a small lake about 10 minutes from my car. It looks abandoned and lonely. I think I relate to that.

I walk to the end of the small, shaky dock and sit. It's so quiet out here I almost think I wouldn't mind staying here forever.

I watch the small waves as they ripple past my feet, and as each one disappears so do the memories I had hoped to forget.

The thoughts that fill my mind now are the ones from when I was younger. The ones where everything was simpler and I didn't have to pull myself out if the depths.

I had my family.

I had you.

***

One time when I was younger my parents took me to the beach and I swam out a little too far and let the ocean choke on me and my dad screamed and yanked me out of the water. I think I'm drowning again but there is no one here to pull me out.

I just need someone to fucking pull me out.