The Space Between The Sand And The Sea By Nailinthewall

waking up

I've never told anyone this but I think about death all the time. I think about killing myself daily. But then I remember you and my family and I can't do it. I'm living for all of you. But it's hard. I swear, sometimes I even cry myself to sleep at night thinking about how bad my life is. But you're my ray of sunshine. Some days I don't want to wake up. I just want to be dead. And that makes it harder for me to go to the charity shop I work at. I'm going to go to sleep early today. Maybe that'll make it better. Maybe that'll make it worse. I don't know. All I know is that I'm going to try for me. I swear sometimes my heart feels like this percussive drum that the world plays. But not today. Those feelings need to go away. I feel so angry. I swear, some days I want to beat the shit out of myself. I want someone to come into my life and make it worse so that I have an excuse to want to die. I sometimes want someone to murder me so that my death is their fault. I'm only happy when you speak to me. Or when I'm reading a love story or writing something. I need to release this pain today. Or it will forever live in my veins. Oh how I want to die today? I want to cry and scream and rage and punch someone in the fucking face. But I won't fade away or be a dull grey.