My Diaper Is Full, Dammit!: Life From the Perspective of Baby Johnson

Chapter One: Birth

BIRTH:

This place has gotten so cramped. It's time to get out! Hey, Linda, you ready for me? I'm going to take that as a yes.

I have been in this cozy little place for the past nine months. Really nice, soft skin panelling, and the umbilical cord fed good food, except for that one time Linda ate sardines. Nasty. 

Linda is the owner of this joint and Harold is the co-manager, although he isn't home much. She doesn't even make me pay rent. Marvy from Baby Class told me that his owners expect him to become a lawyer when he grows up. Sucks to be him. The only thing my owners expect of me is to be a beautiful healthy, bouncing baby boy; I've taken the time to get the bouncing part right since I've already mastered the other two.

When it was time for me to go, I let the water out and everything, thinking Linda was ready, but appearaantly she wasn't. I could hear her all the way up there, freaking out because I just broke the water.

"The baby is coming! The baby is coming!" she kept repeating to herself. Yes, yes, I know i'm coming, now could you pipe down so I can finish packing the umbilical cord? That was the only other thing with me in here, so I decided to wrap that around my neck, like a scrarf.

As Linda kept hyperventilating about me coming, I got comfortable and sank lower to the cervix, so I could take the vagina exit a few hours later. Linda was moving an awful lot and was now calling Harold. They babbled on the phone for a minute and then there was more moving around. I couldn't really hear anything anymore because my make shift scraf was getting a little tight. I tried to adjust it, but it seemed to just get tighter.

I gasped for and little black dots appereared before my eyes, but I was determined to stay awake to see what the outside looked like. I flaied my arms and legs around a bit to try and keep the oxygen coming. the uterus began to contract and I began to hear Linda giving cries of pain. Sorry about that Linda, I'll make it up to you.

Hours passed and i began to hear and see less and less clearly. I thought, this is it. This is the end. I will never  get to see those loud things called dogs, or even my owner, or ice cream, which had tasted so delicious through the umbilical cord or. . .

Wait! I see a light! The cervix has finally opened up! With the last of my strength, I push through the vagina and out into these cream colored hands. I can't cry because of the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck, but the dude with the mask takes care of that right away.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," I cry. This is awesome! Everything in the outside is so bright and shiny. Linda sits in this bed, looking gaunt, but glowing with happiness. I talk and talk, to the hot nurse carrying me and the doctor that helped me out of there. As I'm leaving I wave to her and say, "Thanks for being a great owner!" but I don't think these people understand baby.

The nurses clean me up, do some test, and wrap me in a super soft blue blanket. I stopped talking because this seemed to annoy them, and switched to a cute gurgle. I would've gone on had I not gotten hungry.

"I'm hungry. Can i get some food now? Where can you get a burger in this joint?" I managed to say all this in one long cry and was pretty proud of myself. The nurse just walked faster. 

We went into a green room with Linda sitting on the bed again, this time sleeping. She looked so peaceful. I was hesitant to wake her, but I was really hungry.

"Lindaaaa give me some foooooddd!" I cried. She startled awake and looked around to find the source of the noise. I tried to smile, but my muscles weren't too strong at the moment.

"Time to feed the baby," cooed the nurse as she placed me in her arms. 

"Hello, Johnson. You are so beautiful. You look just like Harold," Linda murmured softly. Hmmm so I looked like Harold. This was either going to be a good thing or a bad thing.

"You ready to breastfeed him?" Breastfeed? I was going to be fed by a breast? What the hell was that? Linda lifted up her shirt and I braced myslef. In her hands was this weird skin covered jugular thing with a short dark stick attached to the end. I found out this was called a nipple and the skin bag was the breast.

 Linda brought the nipple to my mouth, but there was no way I was putting that thing in my mouth. Who knows where it's been. Everytime she tried to shove it in, I turned my head and demanded something better. They finnaly gave up and tried to give me ANOTEHR nipple to suck from, but no way was I falling for that.

The nurse seemed to be getting extremely fustrated, but hey! I was the one starving over here. 

She took me back to my new housing place, this big room with one glass window that people like to stare at us through. I made quick friend swith this dark colored baby and told him about my encounter with the breast.

"Bro, you shudda sucked on the nipple! the stuff that comes outta there is like burgers, fries, and milkshake wrapped in one!" He had no fears about the breast and sucked on the nipple right away. His owners had named him Jerome and I think my name was Johnson.

"Okay, when the hot nurse comes back for me, I'll give it a try," I promised. We both grew tired and took a nap before I was awakened my my grumbing stomach.

"Nurse! nurse lady! I'm hungggrrrryyyyyy!" i wailed in baby. i have yet to find someone besides an other baby who understands me.

The nurse came quickly and returned me to Linda. This time I was impatient. Give me breast, NOW!

She pulled it out and for a minute I was gripped with fear again, but, remembering Jerome's description of it, I nipped it in the bud and took the nipple into my mouth. it was surprisingly clean and soft and lord have mercy, the stuff that flowed form it. It was like a cheeseburger, fries and milkshake wrapped in one, and them some! It was heaven, Earth, and icecream, all mashed together into this beautiful sack of skin called a breast.

I drank fit to burst. Linda gently put me over her shoulder and patted my back for a while. I didn't understand what she was doing until I felt the gas building up and let it out through both ends. I tried to cover up the fart with the burp since I had heard Linda complain about how disgusting they were to her friends on the phone, but they didn't seem to mind.

Linda smiled proudly at me and I tried to smile back, but muscles were still too weak. Oh well, i'll try again later. I fell into a peaceful sleep with my head resting against the incrcredibly soft breast and Linda singing to me. Life was pretty good so far.

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