My Diaper Is Full, Dammit!: Life From the Perspective of Baby Johnson

Chapter 5: The Park and Perfume

THE PARK:

One day, I was just lounging around, making faces with this bland carrot soup stuff Linda was trying to feed me. Suddenly, she pulled me from the high chair, gave me a quick shower, and dressed me in overalls and a basball cap. 

I was still trying to get over the fact that Linda has such terrible fashion sense when she stuck me in the car. I got excited of course. I hope we're going to the big store again!

No such luck. We end up in this place with all these weird structures and trees and such. We're at a park (How do I know this? Linda's doing that thing again where she thinks I don't understand her keeps repeating, "Mommy brought you to the park today! We're gonna playing the park today! Yayy,")

I've almost got this walking thing down, but I have to hold onto something. Linda carries me over to this big box filled with what looks like dirty sugar and promptly leaves me alone. I eye the sugar suspicously before taking a handful to taste.

"Trust me, it don't taste like sugar," warns someone just as I'm about to taste. i smiley widely; I know that voice anywhere.

"Jerome! Wassup doug? My home skillin' buscuit. How you been, man?"It appears Jerome also brings out my inner gangsta. We do the best hand-slap-man-hug-thing and catch up.

Turns out, Jerome left on the same day I did and was just as amazed my all the sights and scents outside of the hospital.

"So i tasted this soap stuff? Bro, it may look good, but it DOES NOT--" Jerome was telling me when a soft southern accent interuppted him.

"Would any of boys mind scooching over so a little lady like myself can play?" she said. It seems I have just met my first model. She had beautiful gold ringlets strategically placed around her head. A  chubby face, but with all the right poportioned nose, eyes and ears. She was dressed in a stiff looking pink outfit that made her green eyes pop.

"Of-of course1 Move Jerome!" I push him over and gesture to the open space beside me. She gives me a beatiful gum filled smile and begins to randomly play with the sand. Girl babies smell nuch different from boy babies, as I would soon discover. More flowery and fresh.

I sat there like a creeper, inhaling her lovely scent for a few moments before I felt a sharp pain at the side of my head. I look up to see Jerome with his hand raised again.

"Push me like that again, and I'll smack you so far into next week, it'll take a team of surgeons just to get Wednesday out of your ass!" He threatened. I promptly scooted over for him. He packed a mean smack and he black. No reason to make him even angrier.

I spent the rest of the time at the park flirting with Jessa Belle-- I think it was flirting; might've just been mindless bable, but she didn't seem to mind. Right before I left, I made sure to let Jerome know that I called dibs on her.

"I don't care. I like the sistas," He says as he makes eyes at the little black girl that just joined our group. i shrug and Linda whisk me away.

"Bye!" I call as we leave. Jessa Belle actually waves at me! I don't even know how to wave yet. I need to work on that.

PERFUME:

 As soon as we get home, I prepare myself for our next visit to the park. I rummage through Harold's stuff as Linda naps, looking for the stuff he spray's on him every morning to make him smell good.

As I pass a purple bottle, it sprays a bit and it smells just like Jessa Belle, all flowery and vanilla-y. I try to spray it again, but my finger slips and I end up getting a face full of perfume. By face full, I mean it gets in my nose, mouth and eyes and let me tell you, what Jerome said was definitely true. Just because this stuff smelled good, it DID NOT taste good.

Also, I just want to add, when perfume gets in your eyes, it burns like the pits of hell. I felt as though my eyes were literally on fire and clawed at them just to make sure. It began to get un bearable and I lost my grip on the dresser. i fell with a thump and a wail.

"Lindaaaa! Lindaaaa! My eyes!" I screamed and sobbed. The tears provided no relief. Linda finally woke up and rushed over to me. She let out a screech herself when she saw me writhring around in pain.

"Oh, my god Johnson! did you spray this in your eyes?" she asked, as if I could actually answer in language she could understand.

"What the hell does it look like I did!? Can you please just wash this stuff out!? Damn, Linda, I swear, sometimes I wonder who's really the baby in this relationship," I scolde as I continued to claw at my eyes.

She finally takes a hint and holds me under the facuet until the pain finally goes away. I give a sigh of relief and hug Linda close to me, whimpering slightly. 

"Don't cry baby, mommy made it all better," she coos as she gently rocks me. "Now don't you every go playing with my perfume again!" she scolds.

No need to worry about that Linda, i have definitely learned my lesson.

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