ORAL DISCOVERIES:
"No! Bad Johnson! We do not put shoes in our mouth!" Linda loomed over me, scolding me for having taken her hideous leather shoes and getting a feel for the---or should I say taste. Lately, I've figured out that you can tell so much abput something if you put it in your mouth. That shoe felt leathery, smelled bad, and tasted even worse.
"Puh-lease. I was doing you a favor," I tell her. She pulls me out of the closet and I throw a fit. "hey! I don't pull you out of the refrgirator when you're stuffing your face!" I protested. She ignores my cries and sets me down in the stupid play prison again.
I let out a few pretend cries to make her thing I'm upset and wait until she's gone to make my escape. I've gotten pretty big over the past few weeks and am now able to crawl out of the play prison.
"Heh heh, suckah," I say in my best gangsta voice. Harold and I have been watching movies like Boys N the Hood and Notorious and it was starting to effect the way I speak.
Crawling has got to be the best invention since ice cream. I can go practically anywhere I want, just on my knees! I make sure the coast is clear and crawl to the treasure waiting for me: the cabinet under the sink. I can already imagine the variety of taste and textures.
Must.
Crawl.
FASTER.
CHURCH:
"Guess what?" Linda says to me early one morning. And I mean EARLY. I usually wake up around eight, so you know it's early.
"What?" I snap groggily.
"We're going to church today! And Mommy has a new suit for you and you're going to look so cute! Yes you are!" I have figured out that Linda likes to call herself "Mommy" and that she likes to remind me how cute I am. I don't mind.
We take a bath together and I lay shivering on the thin towel as she rummages through her extremely disorganized closet for my suit. I've seen Harold wear a suit for work and they look extremely uncomfortable.
"Found it!" she cries as she unearthes the retched item of clothing. i want to fight my way out of it, but am too slow this early in the morning and soon find myself slurping oatmeal in a scratchy suit half awake.
Harold is actually joining us for one of our activities today and I try to make some conversation with him even though he doesn't sopeak a lick of baby.
"What is up, brah. She wake you up at six, too? I know right. This is some bullshit. I'm not even fully awake yet. Alll this so we can go to church?" Yes, the gangsta slang is back, and yes, Harold still didn't understand me and just grinned at me like an idiot. Oh well.
The ride to the church is a surprisingly short one. The building was quite majestic; like nothing I had ever seen before, not even in the Pokemon cartoons! It had a pointy top and fine wood paneling. The windows had this colored thingies on them that made beautiful pictures when the light shone through.
"Wow, this place is nice," I comment. We're seated in the first bench and when the church is full of people, a man in a long robe comes up to the short table thing. He begins to drone on and on and ON about some guy named God and his son, Jesus. Where are these people? Have them no manners? I thought, but abruptly erased those thoughts when he said, "Jesus died for your sins,"
What is a sin and why did this guy die for mine? I've only been alive for six months! The biggest no-no I've done is swallow Linda's ring that she took off her finger (What? It was shiny and pretty looking and I just had to know what It taste like). Linda searched my every poo like buried treasure until she found it.
Church seemed to go on forever. The only muscle stretch we got was when we got up to sing and that was it. The little bit of oatmeal I had for breakfast was not cutting it.
"Lindaaa, I'm hungry, man. I need some food!" i say this in baby so it comes out as a long cry to the people who dont speak it. Linda blushes with embarrasment and carries me out tot he car to feed me some crappy carrot baby food. Whateva. At least I me some food.
Church was finally over. I was asleep before we even got home and was awoken by the promise of some boob later. I spent the rest of the afternoon putting my toys in my mouth and some of Harolds watches.
Linda gave me the boob she promised and I snuggled myself into a milky oblivion as i drifted off to sleep.
*************
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My Diaper Is Full, Dammit!: Life From the Perspective of Baby Johnson
HumorEver wonder what that baby is really thinking when they smile at you, giggle, or scowl? Baby Johnson is here to tell you the meaning behind it all, in his tell all book about life through a baby's perspective. this will change your look at a baby's...
