My Diaper Is Full, Dammit!: Life From the Perspective of Baby Johnson

Chapter Tres (Three): Visitors and Cuck-Coo for Cocoa Puffs!

THE MIRROR:

I gotta say, life in this place has been sweet! I'm with Linda most of the time, but sometimes she hands me off to Harold, who I found out is her husband and my father, meaning that I look like him! I have found no evidence of this yet.

Linda and I are napping one day when I wake up suddenly and look to my right and almost shit my pants--and I haven't even eaten! There, on some glass wall, is ANOTHER Johnson, along with another Linda, and a duplicate of just about everything!

"Ohmygod, Linda, LOOK! There's two of us!" I cried. This jerks her awake and she groggily brings me closer to her, whispering in my ear, "Shhhhh Johnson, lets take a nap together so Mommy can get some sleep,"

"Did you not hear me, woman? There are freaking TWO Johnsons over there! What the hell!" Linda lets out an aggravated sigh and gets out of bed. She picks me up and brings me to the changing table to see if I did crap my pants, which I did not. I save that for after feedings only. 

By now I can sit up by myself and refuse to lay down until she explains that weird window thing to me.

"Johnson, will you sit down already!" By the look of her face and tone of her voice, I can tell Linda's getting pissed, so I sit down and forget about the window--for now.

VISITORS:

"Johnson, guess who's coming to see you today," asks Linda one morning. I narrow my eyes at her.

"Oh, let me guess from my extensive list of people I know," I say sarcastically. "You, Harold, or maybe you! Or, it could be Harold. Who knows," Yes, I did not get enough sleep last night and am pretty sarcastic when grumpy.

"Your grandma! Grandma's coming to see you today!" Whoop-di-foodle-doo. I don't know what i should be so excited for, I don't even know what or who a grandma is. Linda bathes me and dresses me in a scratchy white outfit and sets me in my Play Prison--I mean, Playpen to occupy myself as she showers.

She gets dressed in a pretty red dress that compliments her chestnut brown hair. Why are we getting dressed all fancy for some grandma person?

The doorbell is rung and Linda picks me to go greet the person at the door, who i assume is Grandma. I am correct, except she looks nothing like I thought she would. This woman is OLD. I only saw old people at the hospital, I didn’t think they lived in the outside world. Most look so weak and tired. I always thought a slight bump to the hip and the woman is down!

"Hi, Linda," she says, but stares at me the whole time. It's really creepy since she has dark beady eyes, like a crow.

"Hi, Mom. Glad you could make it," We step back into the house and Grandma settles down on the couch.  "This is baby Johnson," She lowers me to hand me off to Grandma, but hell is going to freeze over before I let some stranger touch me. It took me four weeks to get used to Harold and now I'm supposed to let this Grandma person put there saggy hands all over me? 

I let out a wail so high pitched and long, I swear, I could hear their eardrums bursting.

"C'mon Johnson, Grandma is a friend," Linda coaxes. 

"Listen woman, you bring me any closer to that hag and so help me God, I will rip all your hair out over night!" I scream at her. For once, I'm glad she can't understand baby because I'd be in loads of trouble for what I just said.

"I am so sorry, he's never had visitors before so I didn't know he'd be acting like this," says Linda.

Grandma waves it off with a smile that makes her face look a little younger and gentler. "Don't worry about it, dear, babies always warm up to me eventually"