depression | bang yedam

6

Areum's POV

As usual, I stayed at home and isolated myself as if i'm a hermit crab. I felt more at ease when i'm by myself, no one is there to judge me, insult me or hurt me.

Yedam asked me out just now but I rejected him, telling him how tired I was but in actually fact, I can't sleep.

I don't really hate sleeping but sometimes, when I sleep I get all tensed up. I would be awaken by nightmares and it's too much for me to take.

Suddenly my lights went off.

I didn't bother to get up because I already knew the cause of it. I haven't paid my bills yet for a period of time, obviously it would be cut off.

I like dark.

But at the same time, i'm afraid of the dark. Negative thoughts flooded my mind, I questioned who would hurt me but i'm too tired to even get up.

I heard knocking from the door downstairs, I lazily dragged my butt down to the door and opened it to find Yedam standing before me.

" You didn't pay for your bills didn't you ? " He asked and I was about to slam the door on him but he held onto it.

" I'm here to help you get over depression. " He said with a smile as I rolled my eyes.

I will never get out of depression.

It's like a cage that is locked and i'm inside of it.

With no key, food, nothing.

" Get out. " I said but he pushed his way in and sat on my couch as if it's his own home.

" What do you like to do in the past ? " He asked and I secretly thought about it but I pretended as if I don't care about it.

He walked towards me and started looking around my living room, " You used to like art don't you ? " I looked around, noticing paint palettes left around the place.

I suddenly felt a sense of shame, the thing I used to be proud of became something I am now ashamed of. Not because I don't like it but it's because, I can't do it anymore.

He took a paint brush and told me to hold it but I don't have the courage to.

" Appa ! Look ! " I said as I point at the canvas that I drew a cat and he gave me a hug, telling me I did extremely well.

" Good job ! You did extremely well ! " He said and a smile spread across my face.

And now, I didn't dare to even touch anything related to art. I love art so much, I would rush home from school everyday just so I could paint.

He grabbed my hand and made me hold onto the paint brush but I yanked his hand away.

I started screaming and tears started rolling down my cheeks. It's so hard to hold it in when you can't and don't have the courage to do things you used to enjoy doing.

He looked at me with his gentle gaze, " I believe that you can do it, believe in yourself too. " I stared at the floor with tears drowning my eyes.

I looked up at him slowly and he brought me to the canvas where memories flooded my mind.

Even though I was emotionally tired, so much that I didn't feel like doing anything, I just let my hand paint whatever that comes to it.

" I-It's beautiful ! " Yedam said and I opened my eyes to see a paint about someone being locked up in a cage underwater, with no one there to help. It's just dark.

" Is this what you experience everyday ? " I nodded and he gave me a hug which honestly triggers my heart.

" We'll get through the dark days together. " He said as he stroked my hair gently.

He sat down beside me, " Do you know how I got over my depression ? " I shook my head and he smiled a little.

" I was just like you, just more dead. My mom came and told me something which I remembered till today, " He took a deep breath.

" Don't let the monster in your mind win the battle. That's when I decided I should do something to get rid of that living creature in my head. " He said.

" It wouldn't go away fully by most of it would, you would feel like a rainbow have just formed in your head and flowers started growing as if it's spring. " He smiled.

" It will be worth it in the end. " He said and gave me a sunflower.

" Sunflower needs a lot of sun to grow, I hope you will be able to grow a sunflower in your mind soon. I know you can and you will. " He winked and he chuckled.

I took over the sunflower and examine it, it's bright and yellow. I wish my mind is that colourful but it's plain dull.

" Let's do more art ! " He said as he dragged me to my room where there's a ton of art materials there, which I cherish a lot.

" Draw your favourite thing. " He said and I was hesitant to pick up a pencil to start drawing. He grabbed my hand and smiled.

That's when I told myself to try, even though it was exhausting to force myself to start drawing but it would be worth it in the end.

I started to draw and without knowing, I drew a picture of my dad, smiling.

Tears started filling up my eyes and I ran to the bathroom. I wanted to be alone, I miss my dad so god damn much.

He was always there for me when I need him but I can't even see him now. When I was younger, he would always tell me how good of a person I am but no one is there to tell me that now.

Darkness slowly engulfed me again.

Yedam's hard work didn't paid off, it came back again and it's laughing at how pathetic I am now.

You're never getting out of depression.

I will always be here.

Why not do your friends a favour ?

Just kill yourself.

It would benefit you and them.

Just die.

23rd Dec 2017

" Stop punishing yourself, you didn't do anything wrong. "
- anonymous

I'm sorry I couldn't comfort you guys today, I just felt so tired. School's starting and my anxiety started attacking me again.

I remembered the feeling of thinking everyone hates you and being scared of your own appearance. I hate taking pictures in school because of how ashamed I was of my own look.

People in my school would always say thing without thinking and hurting others with their words.

I'm scared.

Being in school is like drowning and everyone are just staring at you as you slowly lost the battle to water.

Teachers didn't really care either and that scares me too. I went for counselling but it didn't help, I felt helpless and hopeless.

I got better when it's vacation but it's coming back now. It hurts knowing that you can't let anyone else know you're crying, wiping your tears so no one would realise.

Everyone thinks i'm the happiest one just because I don't cry or show my sad emotions in school. All of them only cared for my friend who is known to be the prettiest, when I tried to care for others, everyone just seemed to notice her even though I stayed by their side the whole time.

I don't wish for me to develop any sort of mental illness but I slowly gave up.

It's too tough to not.

I don't exactly know how you guys felt but trust me, I don't want you guys to suffer and i'm going to help all of you guys if you allow me to.