Areum's POV
Emptiness.
Ever since I've suffered from depression, my life is filled with nothing. I felt constant tired even when i'm not doing anything.
I could be sitting down the whole day and i'm tired.
If there's a reason why I like to sleep so much, it's because I could escape from the scary reality. The reality that makes me feel like i'm in a nightmare, a haunted house, a horror movie.
It's something I would never want to wake up to ever again.
But, this is reality.
There's just constantly a voice in me that's telling me to end my life, that my worthless, hopeless and I shouldn't continue living in this world when i'm worse than trash.
It became worse after my dad's passing, I felt worse than trash. I felt like my worst nightmare just happened and i'm living it.
The past me who used to love going to the beach, playing under the sun has now changed to someone who doesn't know what's sun anymore.
Daylight became something I don't really know, not because I don't see it but it's more like I can't see it.
To me, day and night it's the same thing.
I felt like i'm locked in a cage full of water, it's slowly being brought down deeper into the sea and i'm slowly drowning, losing the will to struggle to live.
No one understands me.
That's how I feel every single day, every single second of my life.
I've started to lost motivation to do things and I just want to lay in bed, doing nothing or sleep. Maybe I could escape reality for a while and I would be happy.
To me, nothing is scarier than depression.
Depression scares me so much, it scares so many people so much. Depression ruins many's life, it ended many lives's and it's aiming me now.
I'm slowly shutting everyone out of my life, even Yedam. I don't feel the need to communicate anymore, i'm just making everyone miserable.
Sometimes I asked myself,
what have I become ?
What have the monster done to me ?
Why am I so useless and can't escape it ?
It all leads to me, me being the useless and incapable of doing anything person. I felt lost, really lost of my own identity.
I lost friends because of depression, I made people miserable because of depression, I've changed myself for the worse because of depression.
I just want to escape from it.
I walked to my best friend, it helps me release the pain so much. Even though it would come back again, but at least it did help even for a second.
It started from a small cut, but it eventually leads to cuts across my arms. However, the pain isn't close to the emotional pain I felt every single god damn second of my life.
That's why I want to end this.
I want to just take the easy way out and end my life.
It's so hard to live another day.
If I could describe depression to you in a picture, it's a really really dark place and i'm all alone. Cardboards placed everywhere, telling me how bad of a person I am.
There's a little light, hung at the top of the ceiling but it's so small that I felt like there's no hope for that light to survive.
I'm locked in a cage, with no one around. No one to save me out from this mental box, which slowly took away all the oxygen in the room.
Suddenly it became hard to breathe.
Take me away.
I didn't want to let my dad down but I have to. It's too hard to ensure all the pain by myself, I'm too weak for that.
Suicidal thoughts have been in my mind for a really long time now but when I tried to do it, I didn't kill myself.
So I decided to bring it to a higher level.
The only time where I got out, I looked over at my phone which shines brightly on my emotionless face.
2:59am.
I took a deep breath as the strong wind blew across my face. Standing on the bridge is now me, I know I want to do this and I will do it.
No one will stop me.
My alarm rang. I set an alarm to tell me when it's 3am, since it's the latest time of the night.
I spread my arms wide and let gravity take my body. My body began falling down the bridge and into the deep, Han river.
My wish came through.
Water started seeping through my nose and my mouth, I couldn't hear much and all I know was that, i'm a bad daughter who let her dad down.
Before I could officially lose my consciousness, I saw a bright light shining towards me. I thought i'm dead but no.
A group of people dragged me up and they started to drag me to shore.
Why ?
Why can't they just let me die ?
I was brought into an ambulance and was send to the hospital. Within minutes, I was already in the hospital and I hate it.
I hate the fact that my suicide failed the second time and it makes me feel ashamed. I wanted to just end it but I failed.
I'm a failure in life.
I'm a failure.
" P-Please save her. "
I opened my eyes slowly but my vision was really fogged up. Everything was blurry and I couldn't see anything clearly.
My body became weaker, my breathing became inconsistent and that's when I finally blacked out.
" Areum-ah, i'm so sorry. "
" Please wake up. "
" P-Please. "
My eyes opened gradually and I saw a lady, someone who I can't recognise but felt a connection with. She hugged me tightly as tears ran down her cheeks.
Who is she ?
Do I know her ?
I pushed her away, " W-Who are you ? " I asked and she was shocked but tried to remain calm.
She took a deep breath before looking at me,
" I'm your mother. "
28th Dec 2017
" Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. "
- Confucius
Just remember that depression is not something you should be ashamed of and please never take your life away.
No matter show bad it is, never kill yourself.
If you need help, the best person to talk to is the suicidal hotline. They will help you in as many way as they can just please don't take your life away.
Remember that I, and many other people believe in you and we will always believe in you so take the courage to believe in yourself too.
YOU ARE READING
depression | bang yedam
Fanfiction[ Depression isn't a game, neither is it a trend. ] This story depicts how a girl overcame depression with the help of Yedam. Losing the will the stay alive, she attempted to commit suicide but was found by Yedam who stayed by her side as she walked...
