Zetsu's Uncannibalized Daughter

BONUS CHAPTER: Christmas Special

It's the day before Christmas. And Hidan, not being a morning person he is, was rudely awakened by a loud clashing of pans coming from the kitchen.

"WHOEVER THAT BASTARD IS, SHUT THE F**K UP! IT'S F**KING 8 AM AND I'M SCHEDULED TO F**KING WAKE UP AT NOON!" Hidan shouted on top of his lungs the moment he opened his bed room door. "SHUT THE F**K UP HIDAN!" The Kakuzu shouted followed by the crying sound of baby Sakura. "F**K YOU!" Hidan retaliated, shutting his door and going back to bed.

An annoyed, sleep deprived Zetsu strolled down the hallway with a peacefully sleeping baby Sakura in his arms. He walked towards the kitchen and spotted a horrible mess, catching Tobi red handed. "Explain." Zetsu demanded, making Tobi flinch because of the sudden dark aura emanating from his partner. "T-today's a special day so Tobi decided t-to make p-pancakes." Tobi stuttered.

"What special day, idiot?" Sasori asked, sighing as he went into the kitchen and poured himself a cup of coffee. "It's Christmas Eve." Tobi said. Just then, Sasori and Zetsu flinched. "Why? Did Tobi say something wrong?" He asked, scratching the back of his head. "I forgot." Sasori and Zetsu said at the same time.

"Don't kill her." Zetsu said, glaring at Tobi as he gently handed the sleeping baby Sakura to him. "Eh? Wai--!" Sasori and Zetsu quickly left before Tobi even finished his sentence. "Tobi wonders what happened to them." He whispered as stared at his mess before going back to his room.

Meanwhile in Pein's office...

Konan stood in front of Pein's desk. Pein stared at Konan's eyes taking her request into consideration. "Sorry, what was it again?" Pein asked. "Let's put up a Christmas tree. It's Sakura's first Christmas in the Akatsuki." Konan stated. Pein sighed at this. "Konan, you know how Kakuzu will get." "I never said anything about buying one." She stated with a sly smile on her face.

"How are you-- Oh no, please don't." Pein said, rubbing his temples as he sighed. "Yes, I will." Konan smirked.

A few minutes, later, Pein found himself chopping of a fern tree from the woods. "Hurry up, Pein! It'll be new year by the time you finish at this rate." Konan shouted from a few feet away from him. Pein simply sighed and continued to do the task given to him by Konan.

Meanwhile in the market...

"Itachi-san, Sakura is a baby." Juzo said, stressing the word baby excessively. "I know." Itachi retaliated as he inspected a black Katana. "She'll need this." Itachi monotonously said. "To stab people when she's hungry,? She won't need that. Alright, come on." Juzo said, grabbing the katana from Itachi and put it back on the shelf. Juzo dragged Itachi away from it and entered a toy store.

"This is where normal people buy gifts for kids." Juzo said, receiving an uninterested look from Itachi. "What made you think we're normal?" He monotonously asked. "Don't get all smart with me, Itachi-san."

"Will Sakura like dango?" Itachi asked. "She might but her stomach can't digest something like that yet. She'll end up being constipated." Juzo answered, looking at the shelf of teddy bears. Juzo let out a sigh. "This is difficult." Itachi stated. "I know. I was never around a kid, well not until Sakura came."

Back in the Akatsuki hideout...

Sasori sat on his bed deep in thought. "Will Zetsu kill me if I gave Sakura a puppet?" He whispered to himself.

Hidan lied down on his pool of blood murmuring chants. 'I want to f**king give Sakura a sh**ty Jashinist pendant. Keep her f**king safe for a while and in return I'll f**king sacrifice more sh**y people for her sake.' With this in mind, Hidan continued to pray to Jashin with another stab on his abdomen.