Three Sixty Five Days

Letter One

5th January 2017

Zekial,

Zekial
My hands feel unusual writing your name, it feels like a strange taste to my tongue but to my mind it's an on going anthem.

My heartbeat syncs to the rhythm of your name, Even today...It meant everything to me once upon a time, and it still does so much. I don't know how long has it been since I've said it out loud, and the feeling is very odd, like trying to recall a bad dream. I remember sitting down to getting my work done and finding your name scribbled away on the paper. I always did it subconsciously because you never left my mind.

I thought about writing to you now, after ages. It took me alot of courage to begin writing more than your name. I have alot to say, alot to let go and a whole ass storm to calm within me. Maybe then i could break down the walls i built without shattering myself.

So I'm writing what I couldn't say. I'm writing everything I wish I would've said to make you stay. I'm writing To Break free.

I thought you should know how I'm doing now. Not that it would matter but it might. You might come back....
I dont know.
Its gonna take more than courage to get these delivered. Until then i guess im alone with my thoughts.
My thoughts are a puzzle however. they're making me go crazy. One moment I want to run away, to look for you, to tell you my love is enough for the both of us, then the next moment i just want to be away and bury myself in the darkness of my mind.

I hope i find the courage to let go of the thought that you're going to return.
Eveybody keeps telling me you won't. Why don't I believe them?
Maybe because their words hold a truth that I don't want to accept.

You know, funnily enough I've changed myself from the person you once used to know.
Sadly, it's pointless knowing that you wouldn't see the changes. I've grown from sulking over you to sulking over myself.
Most of the times, I keep questioning where did I go wrong, where we went wrong. I'm left wondering If you'll love me now without my flaws.

Would you come back and accept me if you knew, I left all that I loved just for you?

Would you come back and look at me once again, Look at me like I'm all there is?
Maybe you would've.
At least i hoped so for a long time.

I play with your ring quite often... moslty when I'm anxious , Ironically that only happens when i think of you.

I want to keep writing, to tell you everything, break down all over again, im tired of pretending that im okay just so no one would worry about me.
I guess I'm taking over your habits.
Briskly yet Steadily I'm becoming you and I'm afraid I might leave everything just like you did.

Yours,
V