Things Ive Written On My Life

fears

Everyone has one
The fears that they don't want to admit
Me I have a few
There not your regular
Infact mine come from my past
All of you have fears
But not many have fears that describe them
Or what they could do or be
Mine I'm scared to become like my mother
I'm scared to destroy someone from the inside out
Just like her
I'm scared of becoming the person she turned me into
The one that hurt the right people and befriended the bad
I'm scared of being alone to fight the monsters
And no I'm not meaning others or things
Im meaning myself
I'm scared to look in the mirror and see the girl I used to be
The one that had dead eyes
Didn't really care what happens to her
Threw her life away just for a sacrifice
The one that wanted to look death in the eye
The one that loved him
Most are scared of death
Me in scared of living and of the living
The dead can't hurt me anymore
My heart my mind my family my friends people in the background can and will
Maybe not willingly
But it's inevitable
I'm scared to let people in to see that monster
So I cover her up in hopes that it'll disappear
And when I have the chance I fight her too
But for some reason I can't rid myself of her
For deep down I know I'll someday have to go back to her so that I can survive
That's right cause everything on this planet fights for survival
Even if it turns them into a monster
We just wish and hope not to be
Maybe this isn't normal
Maybe no one understands
But eventually
I'll stop being afraid
And no I no longer face death
I want to but I know I can't
For the people that made into my heart no matter how hurt
I can't and will not hurt them more then I already have
I can bear hurting and pain and even torture
But to have someone I love and will and have gone through hell with
Tell me that I am that monster that tortures them or harms them constantly
I can't do that and I know me dieing even though I'm not scared
They are they're scared to be alone to face then all
So me I'll stay being fearful
And remain as a shield
Cause one day I'll break
And that day I'll be a sword
After that revolution will come
Just like it always will
And swords will no longer be needed
And that's the day
I'll let death win
But for now I'll face him
And not wish to be held by him
For now just looking is ok
Cause after I'm done with fear and with my loved ones
I have eternity to be in his arms

Authors note: not many know me. But I have a story to tell the thing is I cant put it into words which is agony. But the reason that I can't is cause of not only my fears but if I did I won't be able to be stable. Id break, I have a way of making it seem light with the 'minor' things which to normal people would be traumatic but for my actually major ones they've never been heard. No one needs to feel this way. And I wish I didn't. So if anyone needs help or looks down don't force them to tell you don't ignore them. Give them a hug hold there arms don't baby them but do help them stand tall. And if they wanna be heard listen and don't discourage or judge them. For there monsters that chain them down have already done worse. Hold in there I'm here I understand how to help just lean on someone it doesn't have to be anyone special or that knows you. Or even me just don't try by yourself cause then you'll end up making the same mistake my friends made. And they they will never be able to see the world renew itself. That I blame me for and I understand it was their choice but I can't help but think it's also the people around them that help make that choice unconsciously. Don't make the mistake that they accomplished and I failed. Reach out for I know there is an angel among the demons.